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Tuesday, 19 June 2012

The FA have backed up their long standing view that the introduction of goal-line technology is completely unnecessary, praising the "stand-up job" done by UEFA's additional assistants in the wake of England's controversial 1-0 victory over the Ukraine.

The three lions topped their group after Wayne Rooney's 48th minute header was "not" cancelled out by Marko Devic's "goal" minutes later.

"GOAL"

"It was great work by the additional assistant. Had the ball crossed the line the guy would have waved that baton thingy in the air, but he didn't so it clearly wasn't over and it was brilliant additional-assistant-refereeing."

When questioned as to whether the failure to give the Ukraine "goal" was simply down to the fact that additional assistants have statistically been proven only to give 0.03% of decisions they have been deemed responsible for, my source responded defiantly: "If only we had additional assistants at World Cup 2010, Frank Lampard's goal would have stood and you'd be talking to the world champions right now."

LAMPARD

However major figures worldwide have differed in their views on the performance of additional assistants, from Bernstein's view that they could be the saviour of the English game, to those who believe they contribute absolutely nothing.

One irked Ukraine fan was more than happy to contribute his opinion. "They're basically just gay referees aren't they? I mean, have you seen the way they twirl those little batons round all limp-wristedly? Please! I know UEFA have been trying to clamp down on homophobia in football, but there's got to be a better way than issuing a bunch of queens with batons and sticking them on the goal-line."

GAY

Meanwhile, English additional assistant Mark Clattenberg has another view entirely on his role in these championships.

"I'm just here for a holiday mate." He told me. "It's been a hard premier league season, the last thing I need is more refereeing. I just need to chill and watch some games, and there's no better seat in the house than right on the goal line."

When asked if he intended to give any decisions over the course of the championships, Clattenberg responded: "Absolutely not. I've had enough abuse over the course of the season. I've come over here to get away from Wayne Rooney shouting profanities at me, not to encourage more of it. Howard (Webb, Referee on Clattenberg's team at Euro 2012) is waaaay too keen anyway. He wants to give as many decisions as possible so I can just chill out with the baton behind the goal."

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