Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Tuesday, 19 June 2012

image for Roger Clemens Is Found Not Guilty On All 6 Charges - He's Immediately Offered A Contract To Pitch For The Chicago Cubs
Roger Clemens on the mound in 2002, pitching for the New York Yankees. (Photo by Bob Uecker).

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Former major league baseball pitcher Roger Clemens was found not guilty on all six federal charges that had been filed against him.

The fireballing pitcher known as "The Rocket" joins the ranks of notable individuals who have been found not guilty in national high profile cases including Senator John Edwards, President Bill Clinton, and Vinnie "The Nose" Noselletti, who is now in the Federal Witness Protection Program.

Oglethorpe Ogletree with Sports Territory Magazine, who covered the eight week long trial, stated that he kind of had a feeling that Clemens would be acquitted when during the fifth week of the trial he saw seven of the twelve jurors give him a high five during one of the court recesses.

Ogletree noted that during the trial a total of 491 individuals were called to the witness stand including 217 former baseball players, 5 managers, 4 pitching coaches, 2 umpires, and a batboy.

He also pointed out that the defense also called 6 hot dog vendors, a baseball speed radar man, and 2 team mascots.

The six charges stemmed from comments and remarks that Clemens made to a Congressional Committee that included:

  • Stating that he never threw a spitball.
  • Confessing that he never spit tobacco on the dugout floor.
  • Remarking that he never purposely threw at a batter.
  • Revealing that he never ate a hot dog while showering in the club house.
  • Making it known that he never cursed when the opposing PA announcer played the song "Hit The Road Jack" after he was taken out of a game.
  • Divulging that he never scratched his guy region when he knew the TV cameras were on him.


After leaving the courthouse Roger Clemens was driving to his Washington, D.C. hotel when his cell phone rang. It was the general manager of the Chicago Cubs calling to offer him a contract through the rest of the season and for the 2013 season.

An excited Clemens told him that he would talk to his wife and get back with him.

The Chicago Cubs currently have the worst record of any of the 30 Major League Baseball teams.

The Cubbies are 22-44 and they know that with Roger "The Rocket" Clemems pitching for them their record will improve, attendance will increase, and they will be able to sell a lot more popcorn, Cracker Jack, peanuts, tequila shooters, pink cotton candy, Milk Duds, and Tacos-on-a-Stick.

To See the names of every American citizen who is currently in the Federal Witness Protection Program along with their new name and address where they reside go to www.youcanthide.wow.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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