Wash., D. C. -- He's back! Thirty-four years after his death, legendary G-man J. Edgar Hoover has returned to his beloved Federal Bureau of Investigation. The Spoof sources (we call them Deeper Throats) within the Bureau report that The Heavenly Forces of Righteousness have given Hoover permission to come to D. C. for a very special "earthbeat" assignment, investigating baseball's steroid scandal. And he's doing it at the request of none other than George Herman ("The Babe") Ruth, his fraternal twin.
According to Hoover, when he and The Babe first met in the afterlife, each of them felt he was looking at a mirror image. They compared their wide, flat faces, stocky torsos, and skinny legs. Both born in 1895, they kidded about the fact that they COULD be related. On a whim, they hired DeadDudes Genealogy to do a search, which led to the astonishing discovery that they were fraternal twins. Although the two men had been separated in life, Hoover said they determined then and there that they would not be separated in death.
"The REAL Curse of the Bambino is having the bad luck to be my fraternal twin," Hoover said, laughing heartily as he discussed his stunning news with a group of underlings in the F.B.I cafeteria. But then he turned serious as he spoke about the steroid controversy currently rocking the world of baseball, his brother's world. Both brothers have no confidence in the ability of George (finger-in-every-pie) Mitchell, former majority leader of the Senate, to set things right. Hoover was quoted as saying "Mitchell was okay for leading a bunch of wimps in the Senate, but we figured a REAL man was needed to handle the baseball problem."
Exactly how this will be done has yet to be announced. Some F.B.I officials are in favor of Hoover's holding a news conference to announce his plans, but the former director adamantly refused. "In all my years at the F.B.I, I never gave a news conference," he said. "If I never gave one when I was alive, why should I start now -- when I'm dead?"
Deeper Throats report exclusively, however, that there has been some preliminary progress in the investigation of the steroid scandal. "The Communists are behind it," Hoover has confided to insiders. "But don't worry, we'll get them. A Commie is a commie, whether he's wearing a turban, a fez, a fedora, or a baseball cap."
Meanwhile, Hoover had some advice for the numerous gossip columnists sniffing around and listening to his conversations for gems of information about him and his brother. "Leave the snooping and wiretapping to American government officials. They're the REAL experts."