Written by Johnny Moodis
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Topics: Americans, Sport

Friday, 7 November 2003

image for Poll: Americans Still Don't Care About Soccer
Most Americans believe that soccer is only good when stuff like this happens.

In a recent nationwide poll that surprised no one, it was revealed that 98% of Americans could care less about the sport of soccer.

"Soccer?", said Kyle Batsch of San Jose, California, "Are you kidding me? You stopped me on my way to Wal-Mart to ask me about soccer? That crap is only good when someone gets kicked in the coin purse or breaks their leg in six places."

Soccer, or "football" as it's called outside of the U.S., had a slight surge in popularity in 1999 when the U.S. Women's team won the World Cup in stunning fashion, but which was more notable for Brandi Chastain taking her shirt of than any actual soccer play.

"Yeah, for a couple months I was all about soccer," said Jeannine Chapleski of Trenton, New Jersey, "I joined a junior girls league in my town and we did pretty good. Then after that season we all just lost interest and moved on to other things, like crack."

Despite the fact that the average game attendance is 20 people, the MLS (Major League Soccer) is still sputtering on, with little to no media coverage or merchandising.

"MLS?", said Larry Frye of Columbus, Ohio, where the Columbus Crew play, "They still have that? I've haven't heard anything about that in years. I have better things to do with my time, like crack."

It is believed that a chief reason for the total lack of interest in soccer is the fact that America actually has other sports to watch.

"Yeah we've got real football here, not that sissy European crap," said George W. Bush of Washington, D.C., "Anyone can kick a stupid ball around, but can they throw a perfect spiral Hail Mary into the endzone and make a one-handed diving catch? No f**king way!"

Among the sports that ranked more popular among Americans in the poll were:

  • baseball
  • hockey
  • basketball
  • boxing
  • NASCAR
  • the WWE
  • fishing
  • tractor pulls
  • Toughman contests
  • demolition derbys
  • horse racing
  • golf
  • miniature golf
  • frisbee golf
  • cockfights
  • bull riding
  • monster truck rallies
  • motocross
  • arm wrestling
  • drag racing
  • bowling
  • poker
  • dominoes
  • roller derby
  • volleyball
  • tennis
  • ping pong
  • raquetball
  • alligator wrestling
  • eating contests
  • broom balancing
  • surfing
  • staring contests
  • darts
  • horseshoes
  • chili cook-offs
  • female oil wrestling
  • dodgeball
  • keep-away
  • skateboarding
  • hopscotch
  • wiffle ball
  • battle rap
  • cliff diving
  • tag
  • freeze tag
  • two guys kicking each other in the groin to see who falls first
  • and many many more

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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