Written by Ossurworld
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Wednesday, 6 June 2012

Celtics fans, after Game 5 of the Miami series, may be reserving the duck boats. The Celtics should call the local funeral parlor and order a couple of hearses. Pick up the Heat after Thursday's game and take them to the graveyard.

In Miami, the funeral home has been contacted for the final viewing of the deceased. Pat Riley has loaded his gun with silver bullets to rid himself of Erik Spoelstra.

How many final services in Miami will be held while the Celtics play in the Finals? We foresee three big ones.

Of course, the Heat may rise out of their coffins to bite the soft throat of Rajon Rondo. They love to feast on the blood of young virgins.

Like a bunch of Van Helsings, the Celtics are equipped with enough garlic garlands to send shivers into the tiny heart of LeBron James.

Chris Bosh looks like he has been eating flies in his prison cell during the time he has been recovering from his stomach-ache.

Based on Game 5, we begin to think someone ought to give Miami a transfusion of True Blood, the elixir that vampires on the cable TV show rely on in a pinch.

No one has yet fallen under the spell of Count LeBron, though his dead eyes indicate that something is amiss. He looks uncomfortable in Dracula's tux.

In the spirit of Red Auerbach, the legendary Celtics coach, mirrors will be removed from the visitors' locker room for Game 6. There is no sense rubbing salt in the wounds of the Heat. The Celtics don't want to remind them they are already dead.

If the Celtics have to return to the Transylvania borough of Miami, we think it will be only to seal the crypt with the Heat vampires locked inside.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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