Written by Jean Le Fete
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Saturday, 9 June 2012

image for The Absolutely Positively Definitive Story on Is Tiger Woods Back! Stephen Hawking Gives Definitive Answer
Greenskeeper McSnerd fertilizing with his drone

Dublin, Ohio - Is Tiger Woods Back? The question has rung out through out the land. But according to greens keeper Morty McSnerd at a small par 3 course in Dublin Ohio, the question is completely lupid.

"The press should be ashamed, they are completely and utterly insane to be asking the same question over and over and over and over and over and over again," he said, "What they really need to be doing is asking "back where? Far as I can tell he was back several months ago, playing golf after his terrible knee injury that he got screw....umm er playing golf.

"What does being back mean? Does it mean he is back playing golf? Does it mean his back is back playing golf? What the hell do these pea brains mean?!!" asked Stephen Hawking through his voice modulator, "If he was in fact away for his knee and family problems, then soon as he stepped foot in a PGA event, he was, by all logical ways of answering the question "back". Was he hitting a white ball around green grass fields with white men and being asked if he was "back" by people with perfectly good vision? The question should not be whether or not Tiger Woods is back, but whether or not these allegedly intelligent humans can see he back. Oh and he has won two tournaments this year so far. How many have all the question askers won?"

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