Written by Paxton Quigley
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Sunday, 3 June 2012

Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich today admitted defeat in his search for a decent manager for his ailing club.

The normally reticent Mr. Abramovich made a preliminary statement that he was able to speak today as had recently undergone a week's crash course in English under the tutelage of Messrs. Ashley Cole, John Terry, Frank Lampard and a team of mystery blondes while celebrating his team's Champions' League victory on his yacht at Monte Carlo. He threatened that if any of Frank Lampard's resulting home movies were somehow released onto the Internet he would sue for invasion of privacy.

Mr. Abramovich came out fighting, claiming that "if Roberto di Matteo can win the Champions League with this bunch of overpaid crocks, misfits, sociopaths and ne'erdowells then I can do the bloody job myself." Wishing di Matteo well and thanking him for his contribution, Mr. Abramovich said "He can bugger off now and manage Blackburn Wanderers for all I care, this soccerball lark is a doddle. 4-4-3, 3-5-6, who cares? It's just an exercise in arithmetic and finance. Ron Noades could do it at Brentford, so why can't I?"

When asked about his plans for a new stadium on the Battersea Power Station site, he said that Wandsworth Borough Council and the Mayor of London were proving difficult to persuade that his ideas for the building were valid and would improve the lives of the community of Battersea.

"Bloody Boris Johnson, is he a Russian or not? He keeps telling me that there's a preservation order on that bomb site. All I want to do is dynamite those bleedin' chimneys and build a 250,000 seat stadium there. I'm thinking of buying Battersea Park too for a car park and training ground complex. I've got over a thousand text messages and emails from Jeremy Hunt telling me how much he supports me and that he just needs to persuade David Cameron to ride rough shod over the effin' objectors. Nimby's? I wouldn't have this trouble in Moscow, Vlad Putin would soon sort them out for me."

Mr. Abramovich further revealed his plans for an unobtrusive 100 foot high, half mile long mural along the banks of the Thames depicting heroes from the club's history, men who stand for Chelsea FC's long tradition of integrity, honesty and fair play: Ron "Chopper" Harris, Ken "Mr. Nice Guy" Bates, the ever popular Didier Drogba and of course, Mr. Abramovich himself. When asked if Jose Mourinho will also be depicted on the mural, the questioning journalist was told to "piss off".

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