Written by John Butler
Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this

Thursday, 4 May 2006

image for Bin Laden Dismisses England Manager Link
Osama Bin Laden has insisted he wishes see out his contract with Al Qaeda

World's most wanted terrorist, Osama Bin Laden, yesterday distanced himself from speculation he is ready to take over the England manager post from Sven Goran Erickson.

Speaking via a video taped message on Al Jazeera Television, the Al Qaeda leader said, "Of course it is flattering to be linked with a great footballing nation like England, but right now, my focus is firmly on Al Qaeda and ensuring our survival as a top level terror organisation".


"The news marks the second occasion a notorious Arab terrorist has turned their back on the England manager job".


Muffi Al Mukbar, Bin Laden's agent, had earlier insisted his client was happy to see out his contract with the Islamic fundamentalist terror group, due to expire in the year 2012.

Al Mukbar revealed, "Of course Mr. Bin Laden will always be on the lookout as regards his future employment options, but right now I can tell you for sure that he has his mind set on the out and out destruction of western civilisation".

Al Mukbar added "At this moment in time, Mr. Bin Laden is busy co-ordinating members of his highly covert, complex network of terror in time for his planned 2008 bombing of down town Los Angeles. Ooops perhaps I've said too much".

The news marks the second occasion a notorious Arab terrorist has turned their back on the England manager job. Back in 1990, the FA were ready to unveil Ayman al-Zawahiri as successor to Bobby Robson only to see him to pull out at the eleventh hour.

On that occasion al-Zawahiri cited "the constant and petty tendency to intrude into ones personal life so prevalent in the British tabloid press" as the chief reason for turning down the job. The job went instead to Graham Taylor with al-Zawahiri instead going on the form the Egyptiam Islamic Jihad.

Two weeks ago, many persons's tip for the job, current leader of Zimbabwe, Robert Mugabe, announced himself out the running having already agreed to take over the Russian national team in the Autumn.

Former Liberian leader Charles Taylor was also believed to be high on the FA's list of wanted men, though big question marks continue to hang over his availability now that he is being incarcerated in a UN prison in Sierra Leone and awaiting trial.

Despite the best efforts of those at Soho Square , Taylor failed to secure exile in neigbouring Nigeria and Cameroon.


"Manchester City Boss Stuart Pearce said, "The groundswell of opinion I hear from people on the street is they want a genocidal African dictator as the next England manager".


Chief executive of the Football Association, Brian Barwick said he did everything in his power to get Taylor into exile thereby priming him for the England job, but ultimately the United Nations security council proved too immense a road block.

With Bin Laden, Mugabe and Taylor seemingly out of the picture, it seems the Football Association has been left in a quandary. Do they settle now for so called "second choice candidates" such as former US Secretary of State Henry Kissinger or controversial far right French politician, Jean Marie Le-Pen or do they delay their decision and wait to see if Bin Laden stages a u-turn or if Taylor is suddenly released.

There has been loud cries from several British based club managers for an African dictator to fill the post.

Manchester City Boss Stuart Pearce said, "The groundswell of opinion I hear from people on the street is they want a genocidal African dictator as the next England manager. I think it's time we started listening to the people".

A recent poll taken on Sky news appeared to contradict this however with 65% of people saying they would prefer either an Asian terror leader or national dictator to get the job.

Pearce did insist though that "whoever does take the job be it Osama Bin Laden, President Ahmadinejad of Iran or whoever, they will have my full support".


"Aston Villa chairman Doug Ellis has not yet ruled out a possible swap deal between his club and Al Qaeda which would see the current Villa manager David O Leary move to Afghanistan to oversee matters at Al Qaeda".


The England manager is not the only post Osama Bin Laden has been linked to. Earlier this year reporters from the Sun newspaper masquerading as billionaire Arab investors captured on tape Bin Laden revealing he would be interested in taking over the manager's job at Aston Villa.

Bin Laden subsequently rubbished the report insisting "words had been put in my mouth". He also vowed "bloody, ruthless revenge" on the Sun Newspaper within 3 years.

Nevertheless, Aston Villa chairman Doug Ellis has not yet ruled out a possible swap deal between his club and Al Qaeda which would see the current Villa manager David O Leary move to Afghanistan to oversee matters at Al Qaeda.

O'Leary himself has mentioned on numerous occasions a desire to manage abroad whether it be a club in Italy or Spain or a large scale international terror organisation operating out of an undisclosed location."

The affable Irishman said, "As I say, I don't think there's a manager out there who wouldn't be flattered by a link to a great great club like Al Qaeda. I've always been a great lover of their tactics, their style of play and overall philosophy".

Make John Butler's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!

Print this


Share/Bookmark

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Email:

What's 2 plus 5?

1 11 7 20

Go to top