Written by Roy Turse
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Monday, 28 May 2012

image for Teddy Sheringham: "Ramsay made a meal of it!"
Teddy Sheringham fillets Heston Blumental for making Andy Cole a sandwich

Teddy Sheringham has been explaining what was behind his 'tasty' foul on Gordon Ramsay during the recent Soccer Aid match that put the chef in hospital. It seems to have been the final course in a culinary food feud that goes back years.

"I'm not one to let things stew, but Gordon Ramsay once made Andy Cole a lovely meal but only gave me the cold shoulder," Sheringham told the BBC today, "And that was just for starters. I couldn't let him trifle with me like that, so from then on his goose was cooked."

Revenge is a dish best served cold as they say, and it seems that getting Ramsay has been on Sheringham's menu for a while. When his England team were a goal down in Sunday's match, a chance for redress was served up to him on a plate. Ramsay had the ball and Sheringham decided to carve him up. Ramsay chipped, but then got mashed.

"It wasn't really a hard tackle - more al dente," Sheringham explained, "Although I think I missed his teeth. When I'm at Ramsay's I usually go for the ribs, but this was a special occasion so at the last minute I decided on battered kidneys. I know I gave him a bit of a squash on the side, but Ramsay really made a meal of it."

It was a recipe for disaster and Ramsay went down like a ton of barbeque briquettes. He was still seeing Michelin stars when Sheringham landed on him, which must have tenderised him even more.

But Sheringham didn't leave it there. "When I got up I couldn't resist giving him a little hand whisk that left his face lightly beaten. I thought it might all boil over then, but there were no 'afters' and I left him to stew in his own juices."

Sheringham then chilled while they were catering to Ramsay. They should have allowed him to stand for ten minutes, but instead wrapped him in foil and took him away in a meat wagon. Sheringham was grilled by the referee, but didn't get the roasting he was expecting. He did get a booking, however, but it turned out to be for six months time at Jamie Oliver's.

The match continued, and had all the ingredients needed for a classic. Everything would have been well done if the correct amount of extra time had been added on.

In the meantime, Ramsay has complained that he was the victim of a battering in what was supposed to be a friendly game; a fact that grates on him. He says he has even noticed a little red wine jou when he strains the greens.

Sheringham, the well seasoned ex-professional, is unapologetic. "I reckon that's a load of old tripe. Ramsay's only used to dishing it out, so it's a shock when someone turns the tables and he gets his just desserts. If he can't stand the heat, he should get out of the kitchen."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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