The NFL announced a whole set of rule changes today which they hope will garner more interest and revenue by making the league tougher and more brutal than it has ever been. The changes were made at the annual league meeting of owners which was held at Billy Bob's Hot Wings and Krimpets in Nashville, Tennessee. Addressing the press from a table at Billy Bob's and holding a triple shot of Jack Daniels, league spokesman, Freddy Brick stated:
"We have had it with people complaining that the NFL has gone soft over our coddling of players in order to keep them from incurring season and career ending injuries. This would deny the fans from appreciating their talents and at the same time, allow them to continue to collect millions of dollars from near destitute owners over the lifetime of their contracts.
"We are simply tired of being called the No Fun League. Well now my good friends, all that has changed. As of today, our new rule changes will give us a new meaner, tougher image, which will make the armies of Genghis Khan appear like a bunch of philatelists".
"The changes in the rules are as follows:"
Personal fouls. As far as we are concerned the game of football is supposed to be a violent and brutal game, so what is so personal about gouging a guys eyes out, punching him, spitting on him and threatening to turn him in for a bench warrant.
Defensive off sides. Will not be called if the defender creams the quarterback before the whistle blows.
Tackling the referee. Players from either team will be allowed to tackle any referee who is carrying the ball. In such instances play will continue until the referee blows his whistle. This rule was implemented to protect the quarterback by giving him a chance to toss the ball to the referee whenever a defensive off sides situation, looks unlikely.
No Referees for the fourth quarter. In order to speed up the game, all referees will be removed from the field for the duration of the quarter. Players will be instructed to play until they hear a whistle or the gun signaling the end of the quarter.
Heaters for running backs. In order to have more big running plays all running backs will be allowed to play with a loaded 45 magnum and use it at their discretion.
Reward violent behavior. Any player arrested during the season for any criminal behavior will be entitled to a bonus of an amount that will be determined based on the violent nature of the charges. Players who do not get arrested during the course of the season will be docked 1/3 of their pay.
Fan interaction. Teams whose quarterbacks are rated in the lower one third of the league will randomly choose a bunch of lucky fans who will suit up and play the entire third quarter on a rotating basis. This is what we call the: Oh Yeah! So why don't you come out here and be the fucking quarterback fan promotion.
No Play, No Pay. No player will be played if they are injured. Players getting knocked out of a game with have their pay for that game prorated. This will protect our destitute owners from lazy and predatory players.
"Well, that's it. I can tell by those agape mouths and wide open eyes that you all are thrilled with the changes. See you all in September".