Written by IainB
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Friday, 18 May 2012

image for Spoof reporters smuggle their lunch into the Olympic Stadium
Yummy Jammy Sandwiches during the opening ceremony

The Olympic venues have been accused of fleecing their visitors by treating them as a captive audience and prohibiting the bringing of visitors' own food and drink into the stadiums.

"The caterers are the same as those used at Wembley," said an unnamed reporter at the Spoof, but one who likes eating pork pies, judging by the contents of his lunch-box. "It is grossly unfair to charge people extortionate fees when you don't have a choice in the food."

With security at the stadiums and other venues at an incredible high, including anti-aircraft missiles on nearby roofs, two intrepid spoof reporters attempted to sneak a packed lunch into the stadium for the opening ceremony.

The Venues have installed sniffer dogs trained to sniff out chicken, meat paste and cheese at all the entry points as well as yellow suited security guards to frisk all of the people coming in. Ostensibly they are looking for bombs, but are also looking for bottles of pop. Judicious timing was required by the two Spoof reporters, taking advantage of a bomb scare to nip through the cordon. The bomb turned out to be a baby in a pram.

Inside the stadium, security had been made equally tight. Stewards, who interestingly are all called Stewart, constantly patrol the stands where people sit. They have been told to be on the look out for any slight misdemeanour. One spectator evicted for failing to join in with the National Anthem.

Surreptitious bites between the patrols got the reporters through their Scotch eggs and cheese and pickle sandwiches, however, both were eventually caught and evicted when they got cocky and spread a picnic blanket in the long-jump sandpit, and sat drinking lemonade and finishing their dipping crisps and dips.

"We couldn't eat the dips in the stands," said one of the reporters. "It was too messy. I guess we overreached."

However, the principle was proven, with the two reporters showing that smuggling a packed lunch into the venues is possible.

"We advise as many people as possible to try it," said one reporter.

"You just have to be careful," said the other.

The Olympic committee have lambasted the stunt, saying that it was irresponsible and endangered the lives of all the people in the stadium.

"All the food in the stadiums is vetted," said Sebastian Cow, who is in charge of catering. "It is designed to prevent farts. Eating Scotch eggs could cause a massive methane emission, and this would undermine our attempts to be the greenest games ever."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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