Local man, Martin Shuttlecock was left devastated today, after seeing his beloved Manchester United FC surrender their Championship title to noisy neighbours, Manchester City.
A bewildered Shuttlecock actually dared to believe that the reds might actually pull it off, as the full time whistle blew at the Stadium of Light, but two extra time goals from City secured the coveted trophy.
"I was just getting ready to celebrate," Shuttlecock told Skoob Sports News. "But something, somehow, told me to wait...it's never over until the fat bird sings."
Indeed it wasn't. In a last gasp surge, City came back from 2-1 down to beat QPR by 3-2 with goals from Dzeko and Aguero.
Breaking Shuttlecock's heart, like they did back in 1968, when he folded, and cried like a little girl.
But was he bitter?
"Well," a tearful Shuttlecock told SSN. "Nah, I'm not bitter. What it is; is that even if QPR had held out at City, and we'd won the title, we couldn't really call ourselves Champions. Not after City mullered us 6-1 at Old Trafford and beat us at their place. It would have all felt a bit hollow. You just can't describe yourselves as champions when your nearest rivals have beaten you, home and away."
At which point Shuttlecock slathered some beetroot onto a sandwich, and folded and blubbed like a little girl. In between his sobs, and girlish, high pitched squeals he offered sincere congratulations to the noisy neighbours - even Mike Summerbee and Franny Lee - for their historic achievement.
When asked 'Where to now for United?' Shuttlecock grabbed a beer from the fridge, smiled his dazzling array of acrylic teeth, and simply said:
"We're United. People think it's easy supporting United, but it isn't. There are times when your heart bleeds. We'll just do what we always do. We aren't called United for nothing. Backs against the wall, and we come out swinging. We just are what we are; we are who we are, and nobody can ever take that away from us. We haven't gone away. Write us off as a spent force at your peril. We're made of sterner stuff than that. Fair play and hats off to City, although I would have loved to have punched that tosser who used to be in Oasis in the face - they say we're arrogant... anyway, well done City."
Long suffering wife, Anne, told SSN:
"He's gutted. He's just putting a brave face on it. Truth is, I'm gutted too. He's a genuine Red, and he made me one - I'm glad he did. He's usually such a useless tit that in all honesty, I can't be arsed listening to the silly bastard most of the time, but today, I felt his pain...If any fucker fancies a fight, I'm well up for it. Don't anyone dare take a cheap shot at my beloved husband. Or you'll have me to answer to. I know he's fucking useless and all that, but it hurts me to see him broken like this."
More as we get it.