Written by M F
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Friday, 4 May 2012

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Ensuring total dedication to pupil safety has become the key concern at Bagthorpe Primary. At the end of 2011, the head, Mrs Harriet Willmott chaired the initial sports day committee meeting, with the focus set thoroughly on security. Having kept a keen eye on current affairs, she was more than aware of the terror threat involved in such modern day sporting events. Other key areas of concern were the health and safety issues regarding the events.

Previous school events have relied on nothing but orange squash, helpful parents and a little prayer to keep the rain away. 2012 Security additions for the Bagthorpe Primary School Summer Sports Day™ will include DNA tests for parent child relationships, a retinal scan upon entering the school premises and separate security booth for cavity searches. Year 4 will be in charge of most of the security, with their A grade pupils keen to prove they are worthy of the task. DNA tests will be based on the pupils ability to recognise skin, hair and eye colour similarites and most importantly if they smell similar. Retinal scans will determine facial features on the premise that "they look the same" being a pass. Concerns were raised over the ethics of pupil conducting cavity searches, until 9 year old Luke Armsons noted their main concerns were of finding sharp objects in peoples pockets and that they wouldn't allow the poorest of children to search handbags or wallets.

New health and safety issues concluded that no children would be permitted to move faster than walking pace during running events on a track raised to eye level, the sack race must be conducted with clear polythene bags of a size suitable for only one foot at a time, the wheel barrow race must have two pupils pushing the barrow or 3 if the barrow child is a fat kid and any drinks must be no larger than 100ml.

The ethics committee decided that the egg must be glued to the spoon as some children find the idea of a broken egg traumatic, sadly though as the entire schools budget has been spent on 3 snipers, a special forces unit and 2 RAF Tornados the choice between every child or no child receiving a medal resolved itself. Sorry kids.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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