Written by Simon Saunders
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Tuesday, 24 April 2012

image for Chelsea Defy The Odds To Make Champions League Final
This pillock got himself sent off but Chelsea went through anyway.

Unbelievable. Probably the only word to sum up Chelsea's performance at the Nou Camp tonight.

The game didn't start well for Chelsea when they lost Gary Cahill to a strained sideburn after eleven minutes. It got worse when Sergio Busquets gave Barcelona the lead on thirty four minutes with a tidy finish.

Less than two minutes later, John Terry got himself sent off after inexplicably attempting to bum Alexis Sanchez in a move that left Sanchez wishing his rearguard was as tough as Chelsea's turned out to be. If anyone needed more evidence to prove Terry's stupidity, this was it.

Terry's dismissal left Chelsea with no recognised centre halves and more importantly, no chance. So we thought.

Six minutes after Terry's attempted bumming Barcelona scored a second goal, Iniesta delighting the home fans with a smartly executed finish.

"Doomed, we're all doomed", was the cry from every Scottish Chelsea fan. This proved to be premature, in fact, it was more premature than a randy teenage boys ejaculation.

On the stroke (no sniggering please) of half time Chelsea gave their fans hope when Ramires sublimely chipped Victor Valdes, popped him in the deep fat fryer, and make it 2-1 on the night and a Desmond (stop groaning) on aggregate.

All Chelsea had to do now was hang on for the entire second half with ten men, no recognised centre halves and missing their moronic captain who was now watching the game sporting a new chastity belt. Mission impossible. Terrible film.

Anyway, the second half proved to be more one sided than a circle with Chelsea happy to put everyone behind the ball and hope for a miracle.

Barcelona were awarded a penalty after a Drogba foul on Cesc Fabregas. Lionel Messi stepped up only to strike the crossbar with his effort giving Chelsea a glimmer of hope that they could hold out.

Barcelona continued to dominate, just like my ex-wife, and had a goal chalked off for offside. Messi then struck the post, again, giving Chelsea a squeaky bum moment similar to Alexis Sanchez' when John Terry approached him from behind in the first half.

The ninety minutes were up, just injury time to negotiate. Could Chelsea do a Rebecca Loos and pull off the unthinkable? Yes is the short answer.

In an ending that was almost as dramatic as an episode of Eastenders and happier than my last visit to my local massage parlour, Fernando Torres, who has been unable to hit a cows arse with a banjo all season, broke through Barcelona's defence, went round the deep fried Valdes and slid the ball into the net to make it 2-2 on the night and 3-2 on aggregate to Chelsea.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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