Hull City manager Mr Nick Barmby has called for a ruthless performance from his football team in today's Championship match with Nottingham Forest, and has ordered his players to "beat Forest so heavily that they will be relegated", despite the fact that this is a mathematical impossibility.
Forest, in 19th position on 47 points, are seven clear of Portsmouth who are in the relegation zone, and, with only two games left, the Midlands club cannot be overhauled by the southcoast pansy sailor boys.
"Even so," says Barmby, "we are aiming to beat Forest so severity, compulsionly and so absolutely reprehensibly, that we will be able to overturn the laws of mathematical probability, statistics and physics, and send them into League One next year."
After it was pointed out to Barmby that this was just not possible, he laughed:
"My team don't understand 'not possible'. And, even if what you are saying turns out to be true, it won't stop us trying!"