Written by Ossurworld
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Saturday, 21 April 2012

A few enterprising types tried their hands at creative writing yesterday, making predictions about the 200th anniversary of Fenway Park.

As per usual, the amount of creative detail seemed to run to the adage "the more things change, the more they remain the same."

Alas, we know better. We have seen the future, and it isn't pretty for baseball purists.

First, since Boston is largely underwater since the tsunami of 2081, the park was lifted out of the mud and muck and moved wholesale next to Yankee Stadium, where both are now on stilts and under a geodesic dome in Pahrump, Nevada.

This provides filtered air that has been scientifically oxygenized to resemble the atmosphere in 1849 when Abner Doubleday invented the game.

The dome is powered by solar energy and provides everything from lights to heating the artificial hot dogs, made from lab leftovers.

The players now wear Hazmat suits to protect them from bullets fired by angry fans in the stands, errant virtual beanballs, and occasional leaks of polluted air into the park.

The game usually goes viral and requires medical sanitizers to fire ray-guns to keep fans from rioting in the streets.

Since games now are required to end in 20 minutes and innings held to one out, fans can easily move on to another sporting event sent to their brain by means of computer chip and satellite messages.

Umpires were long ago eliminated in favor of Zuckerberg's computerized robotic HAL model referees who respond to home voting by fans.

Players now go up to the plate and swing at a virtual ball and watch images of themselves in old uniforms from 2012 hit and run on the 360-degree sense-surround screen that surrounds the playing field and mimics game conditions from 1918.

Fans no longer can cheer, but use noise devices like the ever-popular vuvuzela.

The fans will watch the recently raised and renovated Titanic virtually sail into the park during the pregame ceremony. Fans will be thrilled by the return of zombie versions of their favorite dead players.

These are just a few of the features you can expect to see. But, don't look to the 300th anniversary of the park on Earth as Fenway will be moved to a new location on one of the moons of Jupiter.

Monster Seats will be limited to those who have recently come out of the cryogenic tombs. Luxury seating has priced the game out of most salaries with costly trips to the outer solar system.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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