Written by Nick Hobbs
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Thursday, 19 April 2012

image for Chelsea Star Reveals Winning Formula Over Barcelona
Drogba, just out of sight below the camera.

Chelsea star Didier Drogba proved last night that Barcelona could be beaten, and the use of football talent and knowledge was not even required to do so!

The centre forward spent the majority of last nights game rolling around on the floor, clutching various parts of his body, in an attempt to hold up the game.

From his cheek to his knees, no part of the body was off-limits to the Ivorian actor. At one point he even feigned an injury in one of his internal organs, although which one is still unclear, as Drogba's overuse of the 'strained' facial expression left spectators bewildered.

It was possibly a kidney.

The tactics worked, as every time Barcelona began to display some magic, the Chelsea star would drop like a criminal through a hangman's trapdoor.

Drogba's powers of recovery were phenomenal, however, as he would limp and moan for minutes after a 'tackle', but should the ball come to him he was off down the wing like a greyhound from a trap.

Speaking to him after the game we asked if he was surprised that he had not received a card for his theatrics, but he just clutched his ears and fell from his chair, rolling twice across the stage, completely unable to answer the question.

The frustration was evident on the Barcelona players faces, as all they wanted was a fair game. The constant stop-start-stop-start had taken it's toll.

Even some of Chelsea's hardened fans admitted that Drogba had possibly over-done the re-enactments from Swan Lake.

"It was a bit annoying after a while," said Terry Fackoff "We were piss-wet through, and his jumpin' about just delayed the game an extra twenty minutes!"

Chelsea won 1-0, Drogba scoring the winning goal and celebrating in his usual exuberant style.

Luckily his bad knee, swollen ankle, battered skull, poked kidney and the myriad of other injuries sustained during the match held up during the celebrations.

***

In other news, Drogba has been invited to attend the annual gurning championships at the Egremont Crab Fair.

"The faces he pulls will make him a star!" said Les Batty, world champion gurner.

They await his response.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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