Ashley Young, Man United's "high-diving" expert is so worried about the reverberations of his latest antics that he has ordered a back-pack parachute for the game against Manchester City.
He knows that as soon as a Man City defender breathes on him he will have to dive so high to get a penalty that landing might cause him bodily harm and a parachute is the perfect solution.
Other great divers, Luis Suarez, Juergen Klinsmann, Andy Carroll, etc, have been giving Ashley a few added tips as how to con the blind referee's even if they are only 2 yards away, here they are:
1) Only dive when the ref is looking at his linesman for help because he's too fucking blind to see anything anyway.
2) Only dive when you know the idiot defender has left his right leg perfectly placed to stumble over it.
3) Only dive when the grass is too long in the penalty area; at least you have an excuse for acting like a moron (Andy Carroll's favourite).
4) Only dive when you know that you have no chance of getting a second yellow card and attempt to get Spanish, Argentinian, Brazilian, Portuguese defenders sent off as they wave their hands at the refereee with an imaginary card (Juergen Klinsmann speciality!)
5) Do a Drogba! Lay dead on the floor with your eyes open and wink at the cameras; a sure fire penalty and much sympathy from your sponsors!
Ashley Young has promised to fly high in all directions against City and hopefully his parachute opens in time otherwise he could be grounded with a bang!