Written by Simon Saunders
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Monday, 16 April 2012

image for Scottish Cup Loss Proves Final Straw For Lennon
Lennon wearing heavy make-up to disguise himself from everyone that's out to get him.

Celtic boss, Neil Lennon, launched an astonishing attack on Scotlands referees yesterday evening after his team was dumped out of the Scottish cup.

The tipping point appears to have been the controversial penalty awarded to their semi-final opponents, Hearts, in the dying minutes of the match.

Writing on his blog, Lennon, 40, claimed that the referee made the decision to award the penalty based on "personal" issues. This suggestion clearly infers that the referee had it in for him.

He went on to blame Scotlands whistlers for a number of other things. Lennon ranted, "Sometimes when I'm running late for training in the morning I'm sure that one of these refs sneaks into my house and hides my car keys to delay me even further. On a number of occasions I have seen suspicious men in black hanging around traffic lights on my route to work with what look like remote controls in their hands. That would explain why the lights are always red when I get near them. This is all designed to prevent me having enough time with my players in preparation for our games. It's scandalous."

Lennon continued, "I used to enjoy a morning swim in the sea but I had to stop because the tide was always against me. I heard a rumour that I made up suggesting referees were behind that as well."

As Lennon ended his rant he said, "I could go on but I don't want to look like a paranoid nutter."

However, he couldn't resist one more dig, "Remember Jesus?" Lennon told his followers, "Scottish referees killed him. Now they're trying to kill me."

We spoke to Mr Lennon and asked him what evidence he had to support his claims. Lennon responded, "Don't try and trick me with all your confusing legal jargon. All the evidence I need is in my head and there's no arguing with that."

The S.F.A were unavailable for comment today. We suspect they were too busy concocting more conspiracies to irritate Lennon.

Meanwhile, rumours that Lennon is to quit Parkhead and become manager of Scotlands paranoid schizophrenic football team have been denied by a voice in my head.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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