Written by Don Fulsom
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Friday, 13 April 2012

Suspended Miami Marlins manager Ozzie Guillen says his "I love Fidel Castro" remark was misinterpreted because his Spanish is the polar opposite of the Spanish dialect spoken by Cuban American in Miami.

"My Venezuelan Spanish is far more elegant and pure and less subject to being misunderstood than that low-life Cuban brand of unsophisticated semi-Spanish spoken in Miami. So, that's my alibi for saying 'I hate Castro' and the stupid Miami Cubans misquoting me as saying the complete opposite."

The outspoken Guillen added that he has never met Castro, but that if he did, "I'd tell him how much I hate him-but I'd speak to him in a secret Communist code that neither Venezuelans nor Cubans could understand. I sure hope I didn't just put my foot in my mouth again. But it's a free country, and Communists have many good ideas! Like atheism. And their secret language is cool!"

Guillen made his remarks in broken English mixed with what sounded like Pig Latin, though it could have been the aforementioned alleged Communist tongue; and he sometimes used the word "yes" when he probably meant "no." Guillen added, in Swedish or some other Scandinavian language: "That'll fool those damn Miami Cubans. These are the sons of the bungling jackasses that broke into the Watergate and ruined Richard Nixon presidency!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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