Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Thursday, 12 April 2012

image for Ozzie Guillen Manager of The Miami Marlins Apologizes Saying "Beisbol, Cheese My Life"
Members of the Miami Police Department standing in front of Ozzie Guillen's home. (Photo by Gloria Estefan).

MIAMI - The ownership of the Miami Marlins giving in to fan pressure from the Cuban-American community has issued a five game suspension to manager Ozzie Guillen.

Guillen, who spoke on Miami's Channel 123 using subtitles stated that he is very sorry for having said that he thinks that the ex-dictator of Cuba Fidel Castro is really a nice guy kind of like Johnny Appleseed, Paul Bunyan, and Tim Tebow.

The native of Venezuela went on to say that he has never met Fidel Castro so he really cannot say for sure if he is nice, not-so-nice, or a real pain in the aspirin bottle.

The capless Guillen, speaking at a news conference at Marlins Park in very broken English and without the benefit of an interpreter, said, "First I juss wanna sey to ju, dat beisbol, cheese my life and I am berry, berry sorry like a sorry dude dat I sey tings dat dey wuz poleeticlee berry, berry estupid."

A reporter for Sports Territory Magazine asked the Marlins manager if he could spell out the word poleeticlee.

Guillen shook his head, rolled his eyes, and replied, "Well Meester Breeskeet (Tango Brisket) ju can juss sound eat out okay - eat ease espelled juss like eat sounds PO-LEE-TIC-LEE...okey dokey hokey pokey?"

Sports Balls Illustrated Weekly's Sherwood Frisbee asked Guillen if he had learned his lesson.

"Oh jes, berry, berry mush so." Guillen responded. "Lemmy juss sey to ju, Churwood ease eat?"

"Ah well it's actually pronounced SHER-WOOD." Frisbee replied correcting him.

"Okay gotchew, Churwood eat ease. I hab learn-ed dat I wunt be seying no more tings udder than tings about beisbol. I dunt care a rat's belly button about Justeen Beeburp, Kim Kardatchun, Britney Spearamint, or Rick Sanatashun.

And now guys and guyettes I juss want to sey to ju all tank ju berry, berry mush, and I have to go cash a plane because I am going to be coming out on de Chon Hennity Cho tonight. So bueno bye."

[EDITOR'S NOTE: The Sean Hannity Show.]

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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