Written by mattching
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Topics: Jesus, NCAA

Friday, 31 March 2006

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Son of God and Bracketologist Jesus Christ gives odds for this weekend's Final Four

JERUSALEM - Jesus Christ, the son of God and knower of all things, is dominating this year's disciples' NCAA bracket pool, reports disciple Simon, who is called Peter.

"This guy is unreal," said Peter, who is close to Christ. "I was pretty impressed that one time when he walked on water, but picking [George] Mason to the final four? Fugghetaboutit!"

For the fifth consecutive year, Christ has a perfect bracket through the regional finals, and has already mathematically clinched first place in the disciples' pool. James (son of Zebedee) and James (son of Alphaeus) are tied for second, with honorary invitee Mary Magdalene not far behind.

"Usually the disciples are pretty good about understanding the commandments, but I'm afraid they're not so good at understanding bracketology," said Christ. "I mean, all these guys pick with their hearts and not their heads. Bartholomew had U-Penn-a 15 seed!-beating Texas in the first round just because they're named the ‘Fighting Quakers.' I mean, their mascot alone is like a parable gone bad, not to mention their lack of depth in the frontcourt."

In last place was Thaddeus, who Christ had little sympathy for. "He picked Iona over West Virginia because he thought they were a bunch of Presbyterian contemplatives. Thaddeus, you got PITTSNOGLED!"

While both the James' and Magdalene have one team each remaining in the final four, not all the disciples turned in a respectable performance. Thomas, who only had 2 correct teams into the Elite Eight, is still in denial that Gonzaga squandered a late 9 point lead to UCLA. "I can't believe how Aaron Affalo busted my bracket. I just can't believe it." Judas Iscariot, who has strong loyalties to UNC, picked Duke to win the championship and is now paying the price.

All of the disciples expressed frustration that Magdalene, an honorary invitee into the pool, could finish a strong second if George Mason advances to the championship game. "It's so frustrating," said an irritated Philip, a UConn fan. "She picked Mason because she likes pottery. It's always some girl who knows nothing about basketball who busts our brackets! Bet she got an insider tip from the big guy, too." The other Mary is in ninth place.

Hearing that Roman officials believe the disciples' pool constitutes illegal gambling, Peter fired back. "After that whole table-turning in the temple thing, you think Jesus would let us bet? Matthew [the tax collector] wanted to put a few shekels on the tournament, but Jesus would have made us donate the winnings to Darfur like that guy, Joey Cheek. Jesus loves everyone, but he really loves that guy."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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