Written by Monkey Woods
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Thursday, 5 April 2012

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No longer fit to oversee the parking of cars: Dalglish tonight

There was near-chaos on Merseyside tonight when crowds gathered outside Anfield stadium, the home of Liverpool Football Club, where, earlier in the day, the club announced that it had dispensed with the services of car park attendant Ted Dalglish.

Dalglish, who has been traipsing the car park at Anfield for more than 60 years, has seen the comings and goings of all the greatest of Liverpool stars such as Phil Boersma, Ian Callaghan, David Ngog and, of course, Jon Arne Riise, but, at 91, has outlived his usefulness, and has been shown the door.

"Ted has done us proud service," said one fan who did not wish to be named for fearing of 'grassing', "but he's just the wrong side of 90."

But others weren't so complimentary. One supporter who wasn't entirely happy with Dalglish's car caretaking, said:

"Ah left me car heer beforra derby game against Everton, an when ah came bach, the fuchen thingg wuz up on brix! Old bastard!"

Note: This reporter wishes to point out that Ted Dalglish is no relation to the beleaguered Liverpool Football Club boss Kenny Dalglish, who will probably be sacked soon.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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