Written by Akshay N R
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Thursday, 5 April 2012

In an emotional interview to a local TV channel, Sergio Busquets confessed that he was constantly bullied when he was a kid and that the bullying hadn't stopped even to this day. Speaking a few hours after helping Barcelona secure passage to the semi finals of the UEFA champions league, Busquets appeared to be well in control of his interview until the host asked him for his thoughts on the criticism he gets for allegedly diving at the slightest contact.

Busquets' immediate response was to go silent for a couple of minutes on live television. And when the host asked him the question again, Busquets simply broke down and cried in front of the cameras, much to the astonishment of the gathered audience. Eventually he composed himself and confessed in detail about how he was bullied since the time he was a small kid and how that had affected his life.

"The only things people see are me diving and falling to the ground easily, and holding my face or some other part of my body in pain. What they don't know is what makes me do all that.

You see, ever since I was a small kid, I have been bullied, beaten up and pushed around every single day. So much so, I had to come up with something creative to solve my problems. So when I was about 11 years old, as soon as I saw my classmates or anyone else coming near me, I began to automatically throw myself to the ground, start rolling all over the floor pretending to be in agonizing pain! I was essentially victimizing myself for others to see, with the hope that they would show some pity and go away feeling that they had achieved what they wanted without having put in much effort!

And thankfully for me, it worked! So every time I saw someone approach me, I made it a habit to simply throw myself to the ground, hold my face and scream out in agony! And they usually walked away, pitying me, and without bothering me much.

After watching me do this for a few years, my mentor told me that I could make a living out of doing that. In other words, he said that I could play football for Barcelona! He said he had been doing it for a while now and that there was room for more. His name is Dani Alves.

Dani Alves has been the single most influential figure in my life. He taught me how to make all the throwing-myself-to-the-ground act to actually amount to yellow and red cards for the opposing team and penalties for Barcelona. He really makes it look so easy! I am completely indebted to him for everything I have today. He has been the perfect role model for me!

But in all seriousness, every time I see an opposing team player come near me, I get scared and I feel that the bullying is inevitably going to follow. THAT is why I throw myself on to the ground and pretend to be in so much pain. And if, as a consequence, it means that my team - Barcelona - get an advantage, so be it. I mean…did you see what happened today? The ball wasn't even in play when I went to the ground. Puyol simply shouted that someone was behind me and I was so scared, that I automatically fell over! The rest, they say, is history!"

Following this emotional confession from Sergio Busquets, the TV host went on to shake Busquets' hand to offer him some comfort. But as soon as the host reached out his hand, Sergio Busquests did a back flip and threw himself to the ground clutching his ankle! It later turned out that Busquets had actually injured himself while doing the back flip.

Following this emotional interview, Pep Guardiola, the Barcelona head coach, admitted that he was aware of the situation with Busquets and that he had given Dani Alves full freedom to train and mould Busquets into becoming another Alves. He also shed light on why Busquets could never do the same at a different club.

"Barcelona is in a very unique position to develop and nurture such talent. We have so many things going our way for us. For instance, we play the most attractive football in the world, we have the best player on the planet and we have the best youth system in our club. Not only that, we also sport UNICEF logos on our shirts. I am not sure what it is but I have been told it helps us to get a soft corner from UEFA officials.

So what this means is that we can hide Busquets' style of play amidst this big facade of beautiful football and UNICEF logos. And we still get the officials to help us out every now and then! No other team can boast of having the ability to do this! Players like Busquets and Alves would be red carded every single game they played for diving, if they played for any other team! But that will never happen in Barcelona!

But seriously….what IS this UNICEF and why is it on our shirts?"

It remains to be seen who will be the next person to come through the ranks of Barcelona with the ability to get the opposition teams the most yellow cards.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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