Written by Ossurworld
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Saturday, 31 March 2012

If the Red Sox were buying a car in 1955, they'd be first in line to sign up for an Edsel with all the bells and whistles-damn the cost!

We learned this week that the Red Sox bought a pig in a poke-or namely Carl Crawford from the Tampa Bay Rays.

Everyone in baseball seemed to know that Mr. Crawford was damaged goods, including manager Joe Maddon. The Rays were not about to resign Crawford-and let the country bumpkins from New England jump at the chance.

The big brouhaha at the time of Crawford's impending deal for $142 million, smackeroos in greenback, was that Theo Epstein had hired his crack detective agency to follow Crawford to an fro.

Reports circulated that the Sox were so thorough they had even found a sock lost in the laundry from 2005. Unfortunately, they did not see the forest because of all those trees.

If there was a crack in the foundation of Crawford's character, Epstein planned to have it on surveillance camera. The Sox would never sign players like Bobby Jenks or Carl Crawford unless they were 100% certain of the facts.

Alas, the trips to CVS to buy Aspercreme for his wrist were not in the secret report on Carl's condition. They didn't need to: the Sox now claim they knew damaged goods when they see them, and they take them anyhow.

The Red Sox are the same team that used Beta-max for years after VHS came into play. The Sox have shown the same intelligence that gave the world the unsinkable Titanic.

Come to think of it: the Sox plan to celebrate 100 years at Fenway in a few weeks, on the 100th anniversary of Molly Brown's unsinkable adventure.

This winter, in face of chicken and beer reports, the Sox chose to fire the entire medical staff. Apparently these are the same folks who gave a medical exam to Carl Crawford and pronounced him fit as a fiddle.

In the meantime, the Rays burned Crawford's medical records and danced all night.

Will history repeat itself? Just last week Ben Cherington was scouting a grand opportunity to buy the Brooklyn Bridge. The Yankees no longer want it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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