Written by Ossurworld
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Thursday, 29 March 2012

Since being moved to play a position he detests, Kevin Garnett of the Boston Celtics has been playing like a young pup. No matter where he plays, KG always resembles a young whelp.

After spearheading another Celtic victory, the kingpin and centerpiece of the Celtics Big Three held a postgame interview in which he took on the media about being in his dotage.

Singling out each reporter in turn, he noted whether their hair was gray, thinning, absent, or hideously unstyled, to turn the tables on the ancient media that are in their cups.

Garnett was taking umbrage at the charge that he was "old" or "older." A man who is rapidly approaching 36, Garnett pointed out that he was in the prime of life and only "thirty-something."

Whatever media does in Boston, they should refrain from calling hoary KG an old coot or Gabby Curmudgeon. He has, like Spock, lived long and prospered, but merely revealed he is wiser, not older.

"Aged in the Wood" may be the classic name for his vintage season with the traditionally victorious Celtics in 2012. As the most mature member of the team, KG begged to differ that he should be called a Senior Citizen or Golden Ager.

In classic Western The Searchers, old John Wayne took umbrage at being called "Uncle Ethan," and he chewed out his nephew with the reprimand not to call him gramps or Methuselah.

That horse KG is riding is not heading into the sunset.

Garnett came off his high horse to tell the media just as much. If you call him anything, just call him a taxi to escape the media hoards of Boston.

Kevin Garnett said he took the accusation that he was a graybeard as motivation to improve his youthful style.

As far as we know, no teammates check on him during blizzards to make sure he has not fallen. As far as we know, Avery Bradley does not help KG negotiate steep stairways.

We urge all opposing teams to use some billboard material by noting how much respect they have for their elders when KG comes to town.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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