Written by Ossurworld
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Monday, 26 March 2012

Bobby Jenks apologized to the Red Sox organization and his teammates for his deplorable overindulgence and bad judgment. He stated how he did not have a sip of alcohol.

Police acknowledged that they found neither beer, nor chicken wings, in his car when they stopped him. His DUI was not alcohol based.

His vehicular crimes were the result of being bombed out of his head, enjoying a stress free night. Police revealed he was strictly on muscle relaxants.

As a result, he smashed into two cars while leaving a nightspot (aka strip club) in Florida. Fortunately, no one was killed or maimed by his irresponsible driving and flaccid muscles.

Police did give him the sobriety test, and Jenks passed. He was not only under the legal limit. He was alcohol free. His lawyers no doubt will play the falsely accused card.

Jenks has not directly addressed anything. He offered a statement through the Red Sox public relations office. He provided an alleged apology that was more egregious than the DUI for which Jenks claims to be "embarrassed."

Another in a series of attorney-written overly literate statements, it was released by the Red Sox front office shills. The "apology" smacks of two sets of lawyers diddling and fiddling with the semantics.

Media members of Boston missed the forest for the trees again when they accepted the statement on face value. Jenks apologized to everyone but the fans.

The media missed that little angle. Esteemed sports insiders were likely on muscle relaxants, their sphincter loose between the ears.

Of course, Boston wags will note that Jenks failed to apologize to fans because he doesn't have any fan support in Boston.

Whenever Jenks came in from the bullpen, his only greeting was a series of groans and chirping of crickets.

Whether he ever pitches again in a Bosox jersey may be in jeopardy-as is his punishment when he appears in court.

Next time Jenks trots to the mound to pitch on behalf of the Valentine Express, he may find the bleacher fans giving him the Breathalyzer test of the Fenway Faithful. They will throw the empty beer cups at him.

In any respect, Jenks has no reason to apologize to the fans. They only pay his bloated salary in an oblique fashion. As for Jenks, he often takes a lenient position with the law.

Sometimes he leans to the left of the law, and sometimes he leans to the right of it.

We really hope he chooses to act as his own attorney-or hires Josh Beckett.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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