Written by IainB
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Sunday, 25 March 2012

image for National Anthem to replace all run out tunes
Chelsea have the least number of English people of any club in the world. Including the Brazilian National Team.

With 2012 being the year of the Olympics and the Queen's Diamond Jubilee, it has been decided by the FA that every single football club in the country will ditch their current, and in some cases, iconic, run out tunes and replace it with the National Anthem.

David Moyes, the manager of Everton, has mixed feelings about he decree.

"On the one hand," said Moyes, through an app for translating Scottish into English, "the Z-Cars theme is awful and I hate it. But on the other, I hate the English and their national anthem even more."

However, from the Premiership down to Grass Roots, any club that has a run-out tune, will have to play the national anthem instead.

"This is a patriotic time for England," said chairman of the FA, David Bernstein, a lifelong supporter of St Helens Rugby Club. "We intend to show our patriotism by having the National Anthem played at full belt through every football stadium PA system. What's more, we insist that every player sing the words."

With approximately ninety percent of players in the Premiership not coming from England, this is not expected to go down well.

"We 'ave been comin' up with new words for ze anthem," said Abou Diaby, a French midfielder at Arsenal. "Me an' ze other Francais players at ze Arsenal will be singing words insulting your Queen. Zut alors."

Even English players are not looking forward to the new rules.

"I don't know the words," said Wayne Rooney, brushing back his luscious locks. "I never have. When I've played for England I sing Blah Blah Blah Blah."

Some clubs are looking forward to the change of run-out tune.

"I've never known all the words to Forever Blowing Bubbles," said West Ham Fan, Ray Winstone. "It's a dire dirge and I for one will be on my feet, hand on heart belting out the National Anthem."

It has not yet been determined how many verses of the National Anthem must be sung. There are sixteen verses in total, but most people only know the first two. David Moyes of Everton knows the third verse and will not be singing along.

"There's no way I'm singing about the English subjugating the Scottish," he said, spitting. "You can [This app cannot translate that word]."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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