The first details of the route the Olympic torch will take, together with the torch-bearers carrying it, have been announced by the organising committee.
It kicks off in Tottenham, pretty much like the riots, with Kevin Innit running through the streets, using the torch to set fire to furniture stores he passes.
He then passes the torch on to TV presenters Holly Willoughby and Fern Cotton who are jointly running the second stage by using their combined IQ's to work out exactly what "running with an Olympic Torch" is. It is expected that the route will not include any tattoo parlours for Ms Cotton to divert into.
The torch will then pass on to X-Factor winners Little Fix, although with the Newcastle members of the group seemingly unable to speak English, this may pose a problem should they get lost, although currently they only seem to be able to ask for One Direction anyway.
The torch then passes to popular religious leader Abu Quatada, who has promised not to violate his curfew by shoving the lit torch in his back-pack and walking onto a petrol garage forecourt full of innocent bystanders and infidels. He will be following a carefully-planned 100m route around his house so that his tag alarm doesn't "go off".
Next on the list is Archbishop Rowan Williams who runs with the torch from Canterbury to his new job, passing it to "Gorgeous" George Galloway who will be running up the local hill and setting fire to a "Wicker Man" in honour of his deep respect for minorities.
The final leg of this tour will be to Salford, the torch being taken by a BBC executive - providing one who is relocating from the south to Salford can actually be found.
The late Sir Jimmy Savile has confirmed that he will be running the next leg along the hard shoulder of the M62 as the torch continues its journey northwards.