Written by IainB
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Friday, 16 March 2012

image for Stephen Hendry disqualified from the World Snooker Championship
Calculating trajectories should be done using mental maths

Stephen Hendry has been disqualified from the World Snooker Championship, a popular snooker tournament held in the Crucible, after bringing a calculator into the arena.

"Everybody knows that snooker is a maths based sport," said tournament organiser, Snoop Doggy Dog. "We can't have our competitors gaining an unfair advantage by using a calculator."

According to the organisers, Hendry was using the calculator to work out angles, but Hendry denies this.

"I use the calculator to spell BOOBIES and SHELLOIL," he said in his defence. "It helps pass the time while I'm waiting for some of the slower players to take their shots. I've been stitched up."

Video evidence of the Scottish snooker player's previous world title in 1999 has shown him using a calculator.

"We feel," said Doggy Dog, "that using a calculator in snooker is the same as using steroids in athletics. It confers an unfair advantage for the player. For this reason, we are having an extraordinary meeting to determine if he should be stripped of that world title."

The meeting is to be held in the international space station, otherwise it would be an ordinary meeting.

If the decision is made to strip him of his last championship win, further investigations will be carried out to determine if he was secretly using a calculator in other tournaments.

"Snooker is a skill based sport," said Doggy Dog, "All our players should be able to perform differential calculus in their heads while lining up a shot. We will be introducing randomised maths test to ensure that no other players are getting illegal assistance during the game."

Further sanctions on the game may be imposed to disallow competitors from bringing in tablets and mobile phones capable of running calculator like applications.

"We are making a determined effort to clean up the sport," Doggy Dog said. "From what I'm hearing, Stephen might not be the only player who will suffer."

Steve Davies has a degree in applied mathematics, and is looking forward to being able to win a match again.

"I knew there was a reason Hendry beat me," he lamented.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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