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Wednesday, 14 March 2012

image for Tiger Woods Could Be Extinct In 12 Years If Unprotected
A new exhibit in Russia is awaiting the remains of Woods, which it feels will be a huge draw for 3rd Grade field trips.

ST. PETERSBURG, Russia-Tiger Woods could become extinct in 12 years if companies he's still a spokesperson for fail to take quick action to protect their image and step up the fight against infidelity, global celeb experts told a "Tiger summit" Sunday.

Forbes' list of highest-paid athletes and other leading sources say Tiger only pulled in $62 million in 2011, a dramatic plunge from the estimated $110 million he made two years ago.

Steve Forbes, Editor-In-Chief of Forbes Magazine, told the meeting in St. Petersburg that if the proper protective measures aren't taken, Tiger may go bankrupt by 2022, the next Chinese calendar year of the tiger, which really has little to do with anything.

His image is being destroyed by biased journalism and tabloids, and is a popular punch line for comedians who want their shows and gigs appreciated for how unfunny they are.

The summit approved a wide-ranging program with the goal of doubling the media's Tiger presence in ads by 2022, backed by businesses in the 13 countries that still give a damn about Tiger Woods: Bangladesh, Bhutan, Cambodia, China, India, Indonesia, Laos, Malaysia, Myanmar, Nepal, Thailand, Vietnam, and Russia.

The Global Tiger Recovery Program estimates the companies will need about $350 million in outside funding in the first five years of the 12-year plan. The summit will be seeking donor commitments to help businesses finance his spendy ass.

"For most people, Tiger is one of the wonders of the world," Forbes told The Associated Press. "In the end, Tiger is the only thing going for that sport with the tiny balls and all that nice grass."

The program aims to protect Tiger's image, eradicate paparazzi, blogging, and true claims of Tiger and his exploits, and also create incentives for local communities to forget everything they've heard about the star and just like the guy again.

The summit, which runs through Wednesday, is hosted by Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin, who has used encounters with Tiger and other professional athletes to bolster his image. It's driven by the Global Tiger Initiative which was launched two years ago by PGA TOUR Commissioner Tim Finchem.

Forbes said that along with a stronger action against paparazzi, it's necessary to set up specialized websites for Tiger to restore and rebuild bias so "Tiger mania" can once again expand.

"And you have to find a way to make it work for the local communities so that they would be partners in Tiger's propaganda and get bribed for it," Forbes said.

"To save Tiger you need to save the liars, cheaters and lots of other awful spouses," he added. "But at the same time you are also conserving the idea of marriage for the societies who believe in that sort of thing. Their religion depends very much on the money, confusion and babies these unions create."

About 30 percent of the program's cost would go toward silencing the facts of journalists and the scumbags they report on.

Nike's CEO and President Mark Parker said that Nike and Gatorade will create a protected area for Tiger outside of their headquarters with a pool and everything to combat paparazzi.

Forbes said that for some of the businesses involved outside financing would be essential because pools aren't cheap.

"We need to see significant commitment by the multinational and multimillion dollar corporations like Buick and Gilette, plus individual governments like the U.S. and Germany," Forbes told the AP.

For advocates, saving Tiger has implications far beyond the emotional appeal of preserving the disgusting and arrogant athlete.

"Tiger Woods is not only a symbol of all that is sick, wrong and twisted about athletes," the Global Tiger Initiative said in a statement. "The loss of Tiger and the resulting drop in ratings would inevitably result in a menial, forgettable, pointless and unremarkable catastrophe for the sport of golf."

Three of the nine Tiger lookalikes-Carl, Damian and Darius-already have become extinct in the past 7 months.

Much has been done recently to try to save Tiger, but conservation groups say his like-ability and image have continued to fall, by 40 percent in the past ten months alone.

In part, that decline is because conservation efforts have been increasingly sporadic and often aimed at preserving his image in areas that he can breed, according to a study published in the September issue of Hustler magazine.

Putin has done much to draw attention to Tiger's plight. During a visit to a sketchy motel in 2008, he shot a female mistress with a tranquilizer gun and helped place a transmitter around her neck as part of a program to track the skanky hoes.

Later in the year, Putin was given one of Tiger's bastard children, a 2-month-old female, for his birthday. State television showed him at his home gently petting the baby, which was curled up in a wicker basket with a golf-themed cushion. The child now lives in an orphanage in southern Russia.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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