Those puzzled by KGB Manager, Vlad Putin, shedding a tear in Moscow can now be made aware of the awesome truth.
Rumours, first revealed by Spoof, that Putin was to be Chelsea's next Manager have proved unfounded. But we can now say why the deal did not go through.
This was when Putin insisted on having his trainer, Syrian Abdullah Asad, as his No 2.
Frank Lampard has told our reporter that the team could not accept Asad as they were worried he might get them to indulge in dirty play.
But Putin has not given up on a move to British football. He has been approached by Rangers and Portsmouth but his aim now is to join West Ham next season in the Premier League: 'The Hammers are my objective. They fit with my Russian inheritance' he said, stroking a sickle between his legs.