Written by Simon Saunders
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Wednesday, 7 March 2012

image for Brazil's Star Striker Axed Amid Weight Concerns
Flabinho has been given the red card after his latest weight shenanigans

Two time Ballon D'or winner and Blue Peter badge recipient, Flabinho, has been told by Brazilian head coach, Claudio Crappeira, that he wont be selected again for Brazil until he resolves his ongoing weight problems.

It is not the first time that Flabinho, 25, has been dropped because of weight issues.

Shortly before the 2010 World Cup in South Africa he was seen gorging himself on a McDonald's restaurant and drinking pints of lard at Fatso's bar in Manchester, where he plays his club football for Manchester City.

When photo's of him stuffing his face appeared in the 'Daily Life Ruiner', Brazil's coach demanded showdown talks with the then barrel-sized star. Flabinho was subsequently overlooked for Brazil's 2010 World Cup squad because there wasn't enough time for him to shed his extra timber.

However, he began a strict fitness regime back at Manchester City under the watchful eye of their fitness coach, Jimmy Knackers.

His schedule included parking his Aston Martin in Moss Side, Manchester, and chasing poor people away from it when they tried to steal his wheels.

His weight appeared to be under control until recently when he was seen looking painfully thin after returning from a knee injury. Once again, photograph's appeared in the 'Daily Life Ruiner' sparking more concerns about his weight.

Despite this he was selected for Brazil's last friendly against Bosnia & Herzegovina but was sent home after their first training session.

Brazil's coach, Crappeiro, has remained tight lipped about the reasons for sending Flabinho home. Yesterday he broke his silence. Speaking through an interpreter, he said, "As you may remember, I chose to omit him from our 2010 World Cup squad because he was rather portly. Well, 26st to be precise and we were concerned that he wouldn't fit out the tunnel on match days. We did a trial run before I had to select the squad and he got wedged in a mock up tunnel we had made. We tried to free him using lard to grease him up, but he just ate it and remained stuck. The fire brigade eventually cut him free."

Crappeira continued, "When we assembled for our last friendly he looked very thin but we decided to see how he performed in training. During the first session he went to take a corner and completely vanished. We thought he'd done a runner like his Manchester City team-mate Carlos Tevez but it turned out he was hidden behind the corner flag. He needs to find a balance between being barrel-sized and toothpick-sized."

Flabinho was not available to comment as he is currently trapped down a drain after slipping through the gaps in the grate.

We attempted to speak to legendary Brazilian striker, the rotund Ronaldo, to get his opinion but his phone was engaged. We believe he was probably busy ordering a take-away.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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