Die hard Manchester United fan, Donald Skoob, a janitor at Salford University, today appealed to the media, and his fellow fans, to lay off Mario Balotelli.
Skoob roundly condemned the media sensationalism surrounding the young Italian striker, insisting that press and rival fans alike had determinedly decided to make the lad's life a misery, and effectively hound him out of Manchester City FC.
"That would be a travesty," Skoob said, as he wrung out his mop. "Fair enough - he threw a dart at a City junior, he smashed his motor up, he stamped on Scott Parker's head, and the effin' idiot set fire to his own house in a firework prank gone wrong. Oh, and he got papped emerging from a Liverpool strip joint in the early hours of Friday morning, when he should have been tucked up in bed..."
He also struggled with a simple task, such as putting a training vest on, one critic pointed out.
"It's easy to split hairs," Skoob countered. "But the bottom line is that the lad's a talented footballer, and we should embrace that. I watched him against Bolton earlier and he was denied two clear penalties as he was outrageously fouled. He didn't dive like that cheating bastard Suarez - he was clearly fouled, on both occasions, yet he got nothing. I say that the media and rival fans should leave the lad alone and let him develop to his full potential. Mind you, he deserves shooting for that fucking daft haircut. You'd think with the wages he's on, he could afford better than that."
More as we get it.