Written by Skoob1999
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Friday, 2 March 2012

image for United Promise Not To Run Riot At Tottenham
Not An Option - Poncing About In A Country Pub The Lesser Of Two Evils.

Manchester United insiders today confirmed that United would not be running riot at Tottenham on Sunday afternoon, as the club is acutely aware of its responsibilities in respect of its own supporters, the supporters of Tottenham Hotspur, and the people of Tottenham.

Privately, United officials are said to be concerned over a regurgitation of the Sunday press sports headlines of 2001, which reported United 'running riot' in the second half, scoring five, after being 0-3 down at half time.

It appears to have been decided behind closed doors that United will adopt a relaxed, 'non-inflammatory' approach to the game, and that when in possession of the ball, the Manchester team will just tap it about between themselves, and not attempt to score a goal.

It's a heavy load for United manager Sir Alex Ferguson and his troops to bear, with the reds trailing fierce rivals and noisy neighbours, Manchester City by a mere 2 points in the race for the Premiership title, but it's a load the club appear to be prepared to bear, in the interests of public harmony.

"It's a volatile place is Tottenham," one United insider said. "And given what happened there last year, we certainly don't want to be seen to be fanning the flames of discord. If something or other kicks off in Tottenham, at least we'll know that we did everything within our power to keep emotions restrained."

United skipper, Rio Ferdinand is said to be unhappy at the prospect of an afternoon stroll around White Hart Lane, smoking a Meerschaum pipe and 'blessing' the Spurs players at every opportunity, like some kind of benevolent, pipe smoking Archbishop, but has to all intents and purposes reluctantly agreed to toe the line.

Keeper, David DeGea is reported to be pleased by the prospect of spending 90 minutes fiddling about on his Nintendo 3DS, as opposed to hurling himself about for 90 minutes trying to catch the ball.

Even fiery, red headed United legend, Paul Scholes has promised to keep a lid on things, although he couldn't promise not to throw in the odd leg-breaking tackle if he gets bored.

And United's travelling army of supporters have promised to be on their best behaviour.

"It's a tough ask," fan spokesman Jarbo the Killer declared. "We're usually up for it at Spurs, but in the interests of social harmony, we'll give it a rest. Just this once mind."

Skoob Sports News announced that it wouldn't be sending a reporter to cover the game on this occasion. The wife of SSN's lead reporter, Anne Shuttlecock, explained:

"He's not going. He can watch it on the telly. He has a bad track record whenever he goes to that London. He'd only go on the piss all the way from Seven Sisters tube station, and then get into some kind of confrontation because he's Northern. There's been times he's gone to that London and not got back until the next afternoon - usually covered in blood and with broken bones, and a big stupid smile on his face. The daft bastard. He isn't going - and that's final. He can watch it on the telly and then take me out for a bite to eat down the Fisherman's Rest. Far more practical than the daft get wobbling around London like a bendy toy and spouting his gob off."

Indeed.

Spurs boss, Harry Redknapp, didn't appear to be quite sure how to take the revelations.

"They're playing mind games again innit," he joked, as he slurped down some jellied eels. "I'm sure Alex finks ah'm a bit fick an' that, innit, guv."

More as we get it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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