Sports Minister, George Sad, unveiled Britain's bid to host the 2020 Tiddlywinks World Cup in his monthly press conference yesterday.
Early estimates suggested that hosting the popular event will cost around £300 million.
Mr Sad dismissed that estimate as outrageous. He said, " Our calculations suggest it will cost nearer to £500 million. We will have to build four new Tiddlywinks arena's at a cost of £200 million, which we will demolish immediately after the the World Cup ends. The winkers village will cost around £10 million, this will also be demolished or perhaps left until it falls into disrepair. Transport and security costs will be between £50-£60 million. I also estimate that around £100 million will have to be used to bribe T.W.A.T (The World Association for Tiddlywinks) officials.
Explaining the legacy that will be left behind by hosting the competition, Mr Sad lied through his teeth, "It may be an expensive event to host but it is highly prestigious and will generate around £8 billion in revenues, maybe more. Fans of Tiddlywinks come from all four corners of the world and are very passionate about the sport. They will spend millions during the World Cup and that will give the overall economy a boost."
Sam Tosser, chief correspondent at the 'Weekly Winker', pointed out to Mr Sad that he had only accounted for £370 million of the £500 million budget. Mr Sad explained that the remaining £130 million would be wasted on swanky dinners for himself and other Ministers.
Current British Tiddlywinks number one, Kurt Viaduct M.B.E, said that he "almost winked my tiddle out the window" when he heard the news. "It's very exciting," said Mr Viaduct. "As you may remember, I abandoned my Connect 4 career to pursue the noble sport of Tiddlywinks. So if we win the bid it will totally justify the decision I made. Tiddlywinks is a growing sport all over the world but remains relatively small here in Britain. Hopefully, this will lift the profile of the sport and provide us with a new generation of top class winkers. I believe it will. Currently, everyone wants to be a footballer. I reckon this will make us a nation of winkers. It's wonderful news."
Viaduct ended by adding, "Frankly you can stick the Olympics up your chuff. The Tiddlywinks World Cup will be much more exciting."