NEW YORK-The New York Yankees have once again infuriated sports fans everywhere by declaring their intention to acquire the contracts of Lebron James and Ben Roethlisberger, of the Miami Heat and Pittsburgh Steelers respectively.
When asked if he was aware that neither of those two sport superstars played baseball, Yankees manager Joe Girardi had this to say: "Our organization is no longer content with having the best players money can buy in the sport of baseball alone. We believe that the heaping pile of green backs that is our salary allowance shouldn't be limited to the talent in only one nationally beloved sport. It is our goal to one day have the greatest lineup of talent, not just in baseball, but in all of sports."
The landmark trade has the Miami Heat giving Lebron James to the Yankees in exchange for outfielder Justin Maxwell and three wheelbarrows full of cash. The deal also has Pittsburgh parting ways with Ben Roethlisberger for the grand sum of two AAA prospects and 25 percent share in Apple stock. The trade is far from finalized, but if it goes through, it would mark the first time that teams in three totally different sports failed to realize exactly how trades work.
When asked for comment, Heat owner Micky Arison simply said, "I can't think of a single possible use for that Maxwell guy, but all this cash sure is nice!" Steelers owner Dan Rooney was unavailable for comment, as he was too busy playing with his new iPad.
When asked why he chose to go after James and Roethlisberger, instead of other superstars such as Kevin Durant or Aaron Rodgers, Girardi had this to say: "We felt that they [James and Roethlisberger] were a great fit for the organization. They seem to have the perfect mix of exceptional skill and seething hatred from about 98 percent of the country. It just seemed right, you know?"
Girardi also expressed interest in eventually acquiring soccer superstar Christiano Ronaldo of Real Madrid, but said that that was a long term goal as "…those Spaniards always have to be so damn difficult. And what could they possibly have against Andruw [Jones]?"
The trade is expected to be finalized by the end of the week, and spokesmen for both James and Roethlisberger say they are prepared to be in Arizona for spring training as early as Monday, where they will learn to catch a ball and hold the bat with two hands.