Written by Backandtotheleft
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Thursday, 1 March 2012

Ex-Blackburn Rovers captain, Half Man- Half Flesh Fortress, Chris Samba says his move to Mafia legally run Russian side Anzhi Makhachkala was not purely about money.

The club which was founded by Russians who saw all the poverty, starvation and crime around them and thought let's create a football team to put a smile on everyone's faces. Having already signed four time African footballer of the year Samuel Eto'o , world cup winner Roberto Carlos and Sharif Khamayuni Mukhammad the next logical choice was the man referred to as the "Cannibal of the Congo."

We sat as Samba soaked in his huge signing on fee (a golden tub) and drank champagne from a ivory glass. "You see..." he said in a deep booming voice that shook the windows. "...I spent so long crushing and destroying my many enemies in the Premier League, there is nothing left for me to conquer. I drove the men of Blackburn onward towards greater glories. A chance to write our name in the blood of our enemies across their own bastions"

Samba stood and asked Back and to the Left to pass him a towel. We obliged.

"And yet this is how the chicken people repay me!" his eyes grew with a deepening fire from within and the water began to steam off him. "I bleed, I sweat I devour the weak strikers of Arsenal and Chelsea. I cry out for a battle brother to share in my glories!....."

He prowled the room every muscle tensed and taut as if ready to punch imaginary Jermaine Defoe's out of the sky.

"They give me Givet..." his voice adopting a mocking tone (funny but still dripping with venom) "...and Dann's. What name is that for a warrior?"

We pressed him on his hopes on signing for Anzhi. He chewed his next sentence into a pulpy mess before spitting it out into our faces with the force of a hurricane.

"Here in these desolate wastelands the strong prevail and I am strong."

To prove the point he crushed the head of one of his many marble statues in between his mighty hands.

"Then I Chris Samba will lead Anzhi into the coming battle and emerge victorious or not at all."

He launched into a furious workout routine which seemed to be as much about causing damage to the bathroom as it was about keeping fit. As we ducked another swinging punch from the now almost blood drunk African we decided to cut the interview short.

If defenders were supposed to inspire awe and terror in equal measures Samba must surely be the best in the world.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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