Written by Menominee
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Tuesday, 28 February 2012

Ryan Giggs, the celebrated celebrity litigant and midfield maestro, has revealed to close friends and family that he wants to continue playing football until he is ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY!

Giggs, a member of the much-vaunted Manchester United youth team of the late 1950s who were fed an experimental mutated spaceworm by coach Lou Macari which has kept them looking exactly the same and living indefinitely, sees no reason why he cannot continue doing what he does - running up and down and taking the occasional corner - for another one hundred years.

Sky Sports pundit Gary Neville - also a graduate of that illustrious United youth team - said something in a funny Northern accent which, when analyzed by expert linguists, confirmed Giggs' potential longevity. Neville added that he himself was considering a return to the playing field, saying he would kick that Brazilian pansy Rafael AND the ball into Row Z and then strike a comically aggressive pose.   

In other Giggs news his sordid sexual pentangle grew a, er, sixth bit yesterday when United legend Sir Bobsworth Charlton revealed in Shoot magazine that during an impromptu sleepover at the Giggs mansion in 1998 he had been sat on a toilet trying to work out whether he'd come in for a wee or a crap when Giggs burst in and began repeatedly flapping his (Sir Bobsworth's) nose with his (Giggs') engorged willy.

Giggs responded immediately to the allegation. Through a new and more able team of lawyers Giggs said the incident was merely a misunderstanding. "I'd run in for an urgent pee and as Sir Bobsworth's complexion, cardigan and slacks were exactly the same shade of beige as the bathroom suite I hadn't noticed him sitting there."    

It is contractually obligatory to mention Sir David Ivanhoe Beckham in any article about Manchester United's Golden Shower, sorry Generation. Sir David currently lives in Los Angeles, is still married to a Spice Girl and is 42.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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