Terry Spasm, a 102 year old man from the Little Divot area, has failed in his attempt to become World Snooker Champion after losing in the final of snooker's most prestigious event.
Wrinkly bodied Mr. Spasm made his audacious attempt despite having never picked up a cue until the qualifying tournament in Preston. He cruised through the qualifiers without losing a frame. Although his highest break was a measly 6, his safety play was some of the best ever seen at the Crucible Theatre.
Mr. Spasm, an experienced coffin dodger, made light work of the early rounds before coming up against bad boy of snooker Alex 'Ballbag' Biggins in the final. Biggins, coached by his brother, Christopher, is five times World Champion amassing an astonishing £9.36 in prize money during his career.
When asked about his tilt at snooker stardom, saggy armed Mr.Spasm explained his training schedule. "What was that son? I'm 102 you know." After switching on his hearing aid he revealed his regime. "Well, initially I had planned on just watching old videos of Steve
Mavis from during his most successful years. However, I fell asleep during the first few minutes because it was so incredibly boring."
The terminally dull Mr. Spasm continued. "It was then that I decided to stick to my usual daily routine of taking Sanatogen, cod liver oil and eating plenty of prunes to keep me regular. It worked like a dream."
The final itself was a cagey affair. The first frame lasting an eye-destroying 13 hours, mainly due to Mr.Spasm dozing off when not at the table. After another horrendously boring 34 frames, Biggins ran out winner by an 18-17 margin.
One of the closest and most boring finals ever witnessed nearly didn't finish at all after Spasm suffered a nasty fall in the 23rd frame, resulting in a broken hip. Spasm had fallen asleep in his chair again when a spectator coughed nearby startling Spasm causing him to topple from his chair. Fortunately, an elderly audience member offered him the use of a zimmer frame enabling Spasm to continue.
After the match, a clearly annoyed "Ballbag" Biggins, regarded as the most talented and volatile players of all time, threatened to break his opponents other hip if he returned next year.
Biggins added, "Snooker is a young man's game these days. Old duffers like Terry have no place in the sport. He couldn't even see the other end of the table because of his cataracts. Biggins ranted on,"He's a joke and is making a mockery of this once exciting sport. If the authorities don't do something, I will. That's a promise."
Snooker chief, Nigel Carpet, was unavailable for comment last night as he was en-route to Sheffield Northern General after apparently shooting himself in the foot.