Written by Gregamemnon
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Sunday, 19 February 2012

image for New York Knicks Sensation Jeremy Lin A Rousing Success For Harvard Robotics

CAMBRIDGE, MA--The NBA's newest rising star, Jeremy Lin of the New York Knicks, is turning heads around the league with his impressive playmaking abilities and incredibly lifelike exoskeleton. Lin, who was activated on August 23, 1988, is the first American player in the league to be of Chinese or robotic descent.

Professor Roger Brockett, who founded the Harvard Robotics Laboratory in 1983, says he and his students created Lin all those years ago with the hopes that he would one day go to medical school and become a surgical-assisting robot. But much to Brockett's disappointment, young Jeremy quickly took to the sport of basketball.

"I remember the first day he came home from school, clutching that deflated basketball in his claws," Brockett said. "I've never been so disappointed in my life."

Brockett said he started to suspect something was wrong when he began hanging out with the pitching machine from across the street and that weird contraption thing that sets the bowling pins. "I prayed every night that his hours of catapulting free throws and scanning highlight reels was merely a phase. Hell, there were even times when, to my own horror, I considered reprogramming him," Brockett admitted.

But Jeremy continued to improve and install updates, and it wasn't long before Harvard noticed his advanced electroactive polymers. "When he told me he'd be playing ball for Harvard, that was when I finally accepted that this was no phase, and I needed to finally step up and be the creator I knew he needed," said a teary-eyed Brockett.

It was then that Professor Brockett returned Lin to his former robotics lab at Harvard, and began work on a host of new upgrades which he promised would allow Jeremy to play competitively at an Ivy-League, or pick-up game at the "Y" level. "I replaced his electro motor with a Piezo motor, swapped his linear actuators for elastic nanotubes, and installed thermal vision for no other reason than the fact that I've always wanted to do that," confessed an overly enthused Brockett.

Asked why he went with a Chinese-American nanodermal layer, Professor Brockett replied simply, "I didn't want anyone to confuse him for an actual basketball player."

Despite being undrafted out of Harvard, Lin, or Linear Interaction Node as he's known scientifically, signed a two-year deal with his hometown Golden State Warriors. Despite a lot of buzz from Asian-American followers and robotics nerds alike, Lin struggled with his new mechanical grippers and Nike Air Jordans, and thus proved mostly ineffective for the majority of the season.

After the 2011 NBA lockout, which had owners and players in disagreement over whether or not robots and Joakim Noahs should be allowed to play, Lin was let go by the Warriors and was picked up by the Houston Rockets. However, his stay in Houston was brief, as point guard Kyle Lowry had apparently seen The Terminator once on TV and was "totally freaking out, man."

Lin was soon picked up by the New York Knicks off waivers, and it wasn't long before his ZMP movement algorithm and laser-guided shot arc began to get him noticed. Said coach Mike D'Antoni, "I decided to give him a chance, despite the fact that he couldn't shoot lasers out of his eyes, or anything cool like you see in the movies."

Since then, Lin has played record-setting basketball, and has quickly become one of the NBA's most talked about players. In fact, his number 17 jersey, chosen to honor his sixteen junk-heaped predecessors, has rapidly become one of the league's top sellers.

But not all are so quick to sing his praises. Five time NBA champion Kobe Bryant, who was outscored by Lin in their first matchup of the season, was quick to point out that he [Lin] doesn't have the emotional drive to win championships. Said the all-star: "He's simply not human, which means he can't possibly have the same passion for basketball and sexually assaulting women that is required of a successful player these days."

Said Bryant's teammate, Pao Gasol: "I've read the story of John Henry. I think I would make a good John Henry."

Off the court, Lin's success has sparked a dramatic rise of applicants for the Harvard Robotics program, however Professor Brockett claims the vast majority are simply teenage Asian girls, who made it quite clear they only wanted to make Jeremy Lin-inspired replicas for the sole purpose of dry humping.

"We're just so very proud of him," said an emotional Brockett. "I just hope that when this is all said and done, and he feels he's done all he can do for the NBA, he gives some serious thought to the whole surgeon thing."

As of press time, WNBA president Laurel J. Richie was seen holding an emergency meeting, in which he's rumored to be outlining his plan to replace every female athlete in the league with a scantily clad fembot, because, "honestly, I'm willing to try just about anything at this point."

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