Written by Menominee
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Topics: Rangers

Tuesday, 14 February 2012

Rangers, the beleaguered, debt-ridden Scottish football giants appear to have devised a cunning but legally dubious plan to evade the close attentions of the UK tax authorities who claim they are owed two trillion pounds in back taxes and national insurance contributions by the club.

In a hastily arranged and surreptitious press conference held under a railway bridge in Govan Rangers owner Craig Whyte said that Rangers are to amalgamate with their amateur Glasgow neighbours Queen's Park to form a new entity - Queen's Park Rangers - which by having a very similar, indeed identical, name to a London-based English Premier League club owned by a billionaire should serve to throw Her Majesty's Revenue and Customs (HMRC) off their trail.

While organizing an impromptu whip round in a threadbare tam o'shanter Mr. Whyte showed journalists a document he claimed had been compiled by a lawyer at a pro bono LawShop on the Great Western Road revealing that the HMRC were often confused by people and entities with similar names. Indeed only one corner shop owner named Patel paid any tax and national insurance leaving the many thousands of other corner shop-owning Patels unmolested by the tax authorities.

Journalists then telephoned the Honorary Patron of Queen's Park, Lord Macfarlane of Bearsden, for corroboration but Lord Macfarlane expressed surprise at Mr. Whyte's announcement and said no formal discussions had been held on this so-called "amalgamation". 

"I attempted to call Rangers earlier today, just to offer my sympathy," explained Lord Macfarlane, "but it appears their telephone has been disconnected. We at Queen's Park greatly value our independence and our amateur status and have no urgent desire to sacrifice that in a bid to help Rangers befuddle the taxman."

Turning back to Mr. Whyte for a rebuttal journalists found him scampering up the railway embankment with his jingling hat and a couple of pilfered wallets. 

Ally McCoist is drunk and when approached for a quote by local reporters he threw a can of Tennents at them from the bush on Glasgow Green in which he currently resides.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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