Written by A Lias
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Topics: Olympics, Italy

Wednesday, 1 March 2006

image for New Winter Olympic Sports For 2010
A more exciting and more dynamic set of sports are promised

After a slightly dull and boring Winter Olympics have just finished in Turin, Italy, Olympic officials have decided that when they return in 2010 in Vancouver, the Winter Olympics will be made much, much better.

To improve the general feel of the games, the tedious and repetitive sport curling is to be modified significantly. An Olympic Committee spokesperson said that: "We've realised if people wanted to see a lot of women brushing floors, they could just no go home from the office and watch the cleaners. So we're changing the sport a bit." In fact, the brushes remain - but this time as weapons. They will be used like swords to attack the opponent, and the first to go out of the circular targets used for the curling stones in the older style of curling. For added bonus, a team will be allowed one "ACME Attack", where a huge curling stone will be dropped on an opponent's head, in typical cartoon style.

Also, proper winter sports will be introduced, such as snowball fighting. Professionals in this sport get points for size of snowball, accuracy, distance and overall sneakiness. Teams will be five players and the course will be covered in snow and obstacles to hide behind.

Snowman building was considered for the 2006 games, but was dismissed due to a "lack of interest". However, if enough interest is gathered, it could become a 2010 Winter Olympic "sport". Marks will be given for size, speed and decoration - but no extra marks will be given if the snowman flies away and starts singing. In fact, it may result in disqualification if the Brazilian Committee representative gets his own ways.

Some sports with strange names, like the "women's two-man bob", will be forgotten about completely. The bobsleigh event is also "too fast for audiences, it just zooms past before they can say the Russian entrant's name". There are two ways to combat this: longer tracks or airborne sections of bobsleigh runs - a more rollercoaster ride that traditional bobsleigh runs.

In addition, the new skating event will be "Skating On Thin Ice", where people skate over a thin ice layer. Any faults and they fall into an icy cold lake and, effectively cease the competition for all other competitors.

Meanwhile, the Bejing 2008 regular Olympics loom ahead, with only one addition to all its sports - singing. The worst singer in the karaoke-style event will be thrown out, until only one is left. The event is to be judged by Simon Cowell.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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