Written by P.M. Wortham
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Thursday, 9 February 2012

image for Tour de France Defines Acceptable Doping Standards for 2012
The bikes won't change, but the acceptable drug list will.

Following the latest controversy over delayed doping accusations for Spanish rider, Roberto Contador, the Tour de France announced yesterday that there would be a new set of acceptable drug usage rules posted for the 2012 international event.

"Basically, all drugs and training techniques will be allowed", says Tour de France Public Relations Director, Henri DuMonde. "The doping techniques are so good, we simply cannot catch them. Everybody does it, so why fight it".

Cycling sport purists are against the new rules, but other international riders are in favor. "It levels the playing field", says Chilean cyclist, Myaz Izchapp. "Riders who don't have huge team sponsors and training facilities can still compete". Izchapp was sporting calf muscles the size of casaba melons.

All drugs will be allowed in training and during the race according the new rules, but the authors of the changes drew the line at mechanical devices. "No motors will be allowed on the cycle, or any part of the body", says DuMonde. "We are not opening the door for bionics or other and unfair mechanical advantages. Oxygen tanks maybe, but that's definitely it".

Cyclists believe the rules changes are long overdue. "Almost everybody on tour looks for an edge, and the steroid use will be self regulating", says Izchapp. When asked to explain, Izchapp pointed to his own thighs and calves. "They are too big now. They get caught on the chain and my thighs rub against the frame. You can only do so much juice, you know?" A freakishly misshapen man with the upper body contours of a pencil and the legs of a Black Angus Steer, Izchapp said, "Yes, perhaps I went too far".

The All Drug Tour de France is being readied for July 2012.

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