Written by Menominee
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Friday, 3 February 2012

A man said earlier today that Blackburn Rovers, the much-loved northern soccer club, are becoming ridiculous.

When pressed on his astonishing accusation the man, 45, said that every time they appear in the newspapers or on Sky Sports News, Blackburn appear to be a laughing stock.

Just the other day, said the man, it was disclosed that Rovers had re-united the Olsen twins. No-one wants the Olsen twins re-united claimed the man. Ashley and Mary-Kate have been living fulfilling and independent lives since the death of their sinister step-father and no way could their lives be enhanced by forming a left full-back / left-wing tandem at a failing Premier League club.

The man then brandished a video cassette which he claimed showed the Blackburn team manager Roy Keane buggering a goat. It has since been established by independent analysts to be a fake.

But the man remained undaunted. He claimed that Blackburn's owners, India's biggest chicken entrepreneurs the Venkys, were trying to replace winning soccer games - Blackburn have lost their last 124 matches by a combined score of 1008-0 - with some measure of populist "entertainment". The man accompanied the word "entertainment" with ironic hand gestures.

The man produced a hand-written document which purpoted to show that as well as re-uniting the Olsen twins to populate the left side of midfield the club had simultaneously purchased long-dead vaudevillian Charlie Cairoli and a chimp riding a tricycle to occupy the right.

At that point we made our excuses and attempted to leave the Burnley bedsit because the man's pyjama trousers had caught on fire but before we could the man had one final and frankly astonishing piece of evidence to flourish.

According to an article in an Indonesian newspaper which the man had downloaded from the Internet in PDF format Blackburn had - moments before the transfer window slammed shut on Tuesday evening - tried to sign the legendary King of Pop Michael Jackson. The article claimed that Jackson's agent Kia Joorabchian had informed the Venkys that his client was still very much enjoying his "semi-retirement free from the public gaze at an undisclosed orphanage" but that he "may be open to offers in the summer."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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