Written by Skoob1999
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Saturday, 28 January 2012

image for Local Man Fumes As Kop Celebrates Dramatic Late Winner
Shuttlecock As A Child - "He's Always Been A Crybaby" Says Long Suffering Wife, Anne.

Local man, Martin Shuttlecock, was left furiously chewing the curtains with his false teeth this afternoon, after Dirk Kuyt pounced in the 89th minute to lash the ball past a flailing David DeGea in front of a jubilant Kop.

Kuyt's winner came on top of first half goals by Daniel Agger and Ji Sung Park, and settled what had been a hard fought 4th Round FA cup tie.

Shuttlecock was unhappy with the outcome as he glared at TV pictures of an ecstatic Kop.

"Look at the bastards!" he remarked, to long suffering wife, Anne, as he chugged on his ninth beer of the day, so far.

Anne, who has been advised to avoid stressful situations, on medical advice, made her excuses and nipped off for a nap, but not before saying:

"The daft bastard is going to make my life hell over the weekend. Can somebody wake me up on Monday morning?"

Neutral observers appeared to agree that Shuttlecock has good reason to feel aggrieved, as Manchester United had dominated the game, with veterans Scholes and Giggs dominating the midfield, and Nuno Valencia giving the Liverpool defence a torrid time down the right, narrowly avoiding getting on the scoresheet himself, as he tore through the defence and thumped the ball against the upright.

Much to Shuttlecock's chagrin, it was Kuyt and the Kop who were left crowing from the rafters of a packed Anfield. He complained that up and coming shooting star Danny Welbeck had been reduced to a lone striker role, spending most of his time wandering about alone, up front, forlornly reciting the poetry of Wordsworth.

"We're not racists - we only hate Mancs!" chorused the Kop.

"Look," Shuttlecock growled. "I don't want to discuss this any further. I'm as sick as a parrot. Choked. Gutted. Deflated. Down in the dumps. Pig sick. Pissed off. Depressed. Stressed out. Down in the dumps. At rock bottom. In the gutter. Dead in the water. Now, will you please leave me alone while I stick my head in a bucket of cold water and flagellate myself with a bull-whip with a rusty nail in the end...please..."

Kop spokesman, Mickey McWhack, was last seen laughing his nads off and trumpeting in a high-pitched, squeaky voice:

"Dee don't like irruppem doo dee dough. Dee don't!"

More as we get it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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