The trial of Harry Redknapp on charges of tax fraud took a strange turn today when the Spurs manager insisted that the offence was not down to him because he was below the legal reading age of responsibility.
He claimed he reads like a two-year-old, can't spell for tofu and has a memory 'like one of them metal things with holes in'.
"My defence is that when these offences were committed, I was not thinking clearly; something that has affected me my whole life," he told the court. "I never got past John licks Jane and Jane licks the dog, and I have an extremely limited thing which is the name for how many words you know."
He went on to tell the court that he had some failures in his business dealings, but nobody could deny him his successes. "As well as managing Tottenham, I also own Oxford United, Oxbridge University, Tower Bridge tube station, Tower Bridge bridge and the film rights to The Complete Works of Shakespeare (unabridged)."
He said that he had left school aged four, only knew four cities in England, had earned only four pounds in his working life, and the highest number he could count up to was, well, four. "That's why at Spurs we tend to play 4-4-2 or 4-4-1-1 - I could handle those numbers. It's also why I campaigned to have player's names printed on their shirts. Before that I just thought of them as Goalie, the Backs and All them expensive ones."
His story was called into question by the prosecution who pointed out he had opened a bank account in the name Rosie 47. He responded by saying it was named after his dog, Rosie, and his age at the time of the incident; four.
When asked what he thought his chances of being acquitted were he said: "Acquitted? Does that mean let off? Well in that case I reckon it's about fifty-fifty, so I'm dead certain to be let off, or even acquitted."
As he left the stand, Harry Redknapp turned to the Judge and said "Your Honour, you may want to clear the court."
The presiding Judge asked if he had evidence he wished to present 'in camera', to which Mr Redknapp responded "No, it's just I had four-bean chilli for lunch and I'm afraid I have just 'acquitted'."
The case is ongoing.