Finishing his negotiations with Newt Gingrich over whether or not Woods might be a spokesman for Newt's moral character, Woods and his entourage headed to the Australian Open tennis tournament to witness Maria Sharapova's grunts first hand.
"There's a lot of passion and energy there" says Woods personal putter washer, Stu Grody. "Mr. Woods seemed quite pleased when watching her last match, and had to adjust his khakis several times during the event". Speculation around the two sports start meeting in private was rampant across Melbourne, though nobody could confirm seeing them together. One bellhop at the Melbourne Hilton reports seeing a darker skin man in golf attire and a ski mask enter the elevator with a blonde in a tennis mini skirt, but no one at the front desk would validate the guests registered name.
One room service waiter at the same hotel reports hearing the now famous grunts coming from a suite on the top floor. "It sounds just like Maria taking her opponent to school on a two hander", says in room dining specialist, Sandy Burger, "Except the grunts were far more frequent, and changed their tone, occurred about once a second, and were mixed in with an occasional 'Oh God' spoken in a Russian accent". Burger added, "But of course, I wasn't listening at the door".
Woods was last seen boarding a private charter back to the U.S. He appeared to be wearing a clean pair of khaki pants and a smile.