Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Saturday, 21 January 2012

image for Vanessa Bryant, Kobe's Soon-to-Be-Ex-Wife Comes Out $melling Like A $75 Million Rose!
Kobe Bryant's business manager writing out a check to Vanessa Bryant in the amount of $56.2 million.

LOS ANGELES - Saying that he does not want to prolong the agony anymore, Kobe Bryant has come to a property and monetary settlement agreement with his wife of 11 years the amazingly rich Vanessa Bryant whom Pico de Gallo of Tittle Tattle Tonight has dubbed the "$75 Million Basketball Wife."

Vanessa was reportedly all smiles as she left the offices of her lawyer, Ginger Allred, cousin of noted California attorney Gloria Allred.

Mrs. Bryant was asked by de Gallo if she was happy with the way the settlement had turned out. She smiled and replied by telling the 3T reporter that if she was any happier it would be downright illegal.

When asked how she had come out in the divorce decree, she stated that she will be getting the three Newport Beach mansions valued at $18.8 million plus a check for $56.2 million for a grand total of $75 million.

According to Los Angeles Laker records the three Bryant mansions are listed as Casa Slam Dunk, Casa Three Pointer, and Casa Nothing But Net.

Along with the three mansions and the $56.2 million, Vane$$a will also be receiving all of her jewelry including the infamous $4 million ring dubbed the Colorado Mess Ring which Kobe bought for her in 2003, after he got caught with his hand in the cookie jar, so to speak, and pleaded with Vanessa not to divorce him.

Kobe Bryant was interviewed by another reporter for Tittle Tattle Tonight, Tapioca Swizzle and she asked him why he had agreed to settle so quickly and so willingly.

Bryant kind of half smiled and half smirked and replied that he just wanted to put everything behind him and concentrate on doing one of the two things that he does best and that is playing basketball.

Miss Swizzle giggled and asked if the other was mattress frolicking. Kobe turned red or rather purple and replied with a very soft, "yep."

Kobe told Miss Swizzle that another reason why he wanted to get the settlement hammered out as soon as possible was to save the 105 white women who Vanessa's private detective had learned had gone to bed with him from having to go before the news media and being asked 47 questions like the white women in Tiger Woods GolfGate scandal.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: Why is it I wonder, that all of these famous, high profile, black, professional athletes never have any affairs with black women?]

Bryant pointed out that getting things settled quickly was also a way to avoid having to look at the tabloids at the supermarket checkout counter and having to read catch phrase names like BasketballGate, KobeGate, DribbleGate, or SlamDunkGate.

POSTSCRIPT: Kobe said that in the meantime he will be staying in a double-wide trailer located in the back of fellow white Lakers player Luke Walton's home in Tarzana named Casa Golly Gee Whiz.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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