Written by Dr. Billingsgate
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Friday, 13 January 2012

image for Patriot's Belichick To Deploy Reverse Quasimodo Bell Defense To Ring In Tim Tebow
Quasimodo This

FOXBOROUGH - Who says that Bill Belichick won't break down the specific game plan before an upcoming game? Yesterday in a press conference he announced that he was going to use the reverse Quasimodo bell defense in an attempt to "ring in" Bronco quarterback, Tim Tebow in Saturday's playoff game.

Originally conceived by Dr. Viscount Billingsgate, the reverse Quasimodo bell defense was first used back in 1947 in the mythical national championship game pitting the undefeated Fighting Irish against the La Fontaine College Lugnuts. At that time, La Fontaine was merely a diploma mill located on Grand Cayman Island. Hoping to be recognized for more than mere scholarship, they recruited hundreds of returning WWII veterans to play football at the highest level.

By 1947, Coach Billingsgate had put together a team that was also unbeaten, having earlier defeated both Army and Navy powerhouses. With only the Notre Dame Fightin Irish and triple-threat Heisman Trophy winner, quarterback Johnny Lujack, standing in their way, Billingsgate recalled the story of Quasimodo, the tragic hero of Victor Hugo's novel, The Hunchback of Notre Dame. Although Quasimodo has always been considered a mythical creation drawn from the depths of Hugo's imagination, this did not dissuade Billingsgate from drawing upon him for inspiration since this was a mythical championship.

Victor Hugo's book, which tells the story of the deaf bell-ringer of Notre Dame and his unrequited love for the gypsy girl Esmeralda, relates how Esmeralda devised the reverse Quasimodo bell defense to keep the deformed hero out of her knickers. Drawing upon this, Billingsgate came up with his 2-3-3-3 defense which he described as a reversed bell; thus the eponymous name.

Coach Belichick, long a devoted disciple of Billingsgate, decided that he would use the same defense to contain Bronco quarterback, Tim Tebow. Lining up with two men staggered on either side of the offensive center, with three linebackers poised to ring Tebow's bell if he decides to run, Belicheck thought it to be the perfect defense to corral Tebow.

With the befuddled New England sportswriters seemingly puzzled by his explanation, the erudite Patriot coach went to his chalkboard to explain that the Latin words "quasi" and "modo" mean "almost" and "the standard measure" respectively. As such, Quasimodo is "almost the standard measure" of a human being.

"Almost was not good enough for Quasimodo, and will not be good enough for Tim Tebow when we ring him up with the reverse Quasimodo bell defense," proclaimed the inspired coach as he dismissed the writers.

Upon hearing this, Las Vegas bookies made the Patriots a 13 point favorite.

*Dr. Billingsgate is a member of the College Coach Hall of Fame and winner of the coveted Bulshitzer Piece Prize for Literature.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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